Let's Play Pokemon Snakewood! (LP #1)

Hmmm. Change of plans.

Letro, I'm glad you've evolved into Magneton... yet I feel like there's a certain someone that can utilize the Thunderstone to greater effect.

; ("I UNDERSTAND, JACK. DO AS YOU MUST. I'LL JUST BE GOING BACK INTO THE BOX.")



Ambes, welcome back.

: ("Whoa, for real? I... I'm ready, I suppose.")

[One grinding session later]



Alright. This is it. You ready, Ambes?

: ("Oooh boy... Yes. Let's get this over with.")







: ("W-whoa! I'm a Raichu now! Thank you, Jack! I'll do my best to help!")

We have my friend, The Composer, to thank for making these wonderful Raichu portraits for Ambes.



These two get new moves, but I don't think I ever use them. Well, Dig's a free Escape Rope so that's well and good.

Future Dan: Dude! You just handed Bellamine one of her not-Psychic signature moves!



Let's go into this room. These are supposed to be studios, by the way, so let's go bug some actors.



Well, there's a dude fighting against a dragon. We must have invaded... every fantasy movie ever.



"What are you doing, interrupting our shoot like this? Actually, I don't want explanations - I want your blood!"

Weirdo arthouse movie directors, am I right?



Jared here has a Gigawolf of all things. Every battle here will be dangerous as they're all high levels, which answers my question as to why the University is still safe - everybody that lives in the University is stronger than the Gym Leaders!

These guys are really hardcore about film-making.



"Fine, wander around, but don't get in our way!"

Oooh, this is gonna be fun.



"I, the Trainer Knight, shall defeat thee, foul monster!"

Riveting commentary. Seriously though, everybody tells Jack to buzz off because they're in the middle of shooting a movie - which I can't blame them for.

This movie sounds hella cheesy, though.



"This dragon costume is so hot... but don't interrupt our film!"

I feel bad for the people that stuff themselves into full-body suits like this because the heat inside must be unbelievable. Especially if it's humid.




"This TM... It's a Dark move, but I don't really have enough Pokemon to make it worthwhile. You have lots of Pokemon, right? You can use it!"



Ah. That's... cool, I guess. Also, the caption is absolutely perfect.

The only time I remember Beat Up ever being used efficiently was when an opponent's Whimsicott used it on a Justified Terrakion during a Doubles match. Things got nasty for poor old Dan that day in Pokemon Showdown.



Skipping to the next studio over, it appears we've walked into a sci-fi movie.



I think we have to do this to progress the plot regardless. Besides, what are you gonna do, son?





Good answer.



I cannot trust anybody else to do this efficiently.



: ("Hey Jack? Stop interfering with these movie shoots!!")

AND THIS IS WHY!

DEAR LORD, LOOK AT JEANNE'S HEALTH!

She's literally one point away from dying and poisoned to boot! Poor girl must be suffering beyond any form of comprehension. Thank the lord this is not a Nuzlocke, otherwise Jeanne's death would have made me quit the game for good.



Yeah, you're telling me. Full Restores are godlike.



"Uh... So yeah, this puts me in an awkward situation... I guess you can stay and watch if you really have to."

Don't these guys have something called "re-takes"? I can understand being mad at Jack, though.



"A kid? Go away! I'm busy, and you're blocking the cameras!"

Are these guys making a movie about the zombie virus in Hoenn? Cause that would be some meta shit.



Sand Cloak is just Bright Powder under a different name. Bright Powder just being a held item that makes it so enemy attacks miss more often. Sounds pretty neat.



"I don't have to be on set for another twenty minutes... Want to battle?"

Oh yeah, and watch out for this lady if you hadn't gone to heal up your team.



She has the standard for Actresses around here. Hombeast is still a joke to me no matter how high its attack is.

Fun fact, Hombeast has Guillotine of all moves - which actually hit Tohru multiple times in practice.

This may not be a Nuzlocke, but when you get hit by stuff like that, that's certain death. Hence why I don't count it as canon.



Take note of this line and keep it in mind when we actually go to fight Veracity. She's not kidding about him being good.



Ooooh, a horror movie set!



: "Well, I'm sorry man, it was a misunderstand--"



Yeah no, that's not going to work, Jack.

Crystal Storm is supposedly a version of Hyper Beam, considering how Ambes was barely scratched by it and the fact the Sableye had to recharge afterward.

... Why isn't it Rock? I dunno, you got me.



These guys all have really intimidating Pokemon that just get putzed out of existence by Tohru's fists. Why can't we have Luxrays, Weaviles, and all of this other stuff? Shinx is like one of my favorite electric types yet we never run into one in the wild!



"... It was a mistake? Okay, I guess you can stay here if you like. I mean, filming is pretty interesting."

I like how the horror film guy is the chillest out of all of them.



: "Well, sorry for bothering you, lady."



: "Yeah, sure."



"... It just says 'Run up and down and scream a lot...'"

Genius.

It's one of those kinds of horror movies. Watch the entire audience void their bowels when it gets made regardless.



Oh hey, something actually related to plot!

"They say they're making an experimental kind of camera down in the basement... Will it put us out of a job?"

Ominous foreshadowing there. Because of this, said camera will become relevant in... 10 minutes.



"You can't really do that, you know - you have to go get a visitor's pass from Godot. I think I last saw him in the classrooms, which are to the right."

At least this guy tells us where to go. This university's huge, especially when compared to other places in the Pokemon universe.



This is where the classrooms are at. Let's go into the room to our left.



"At many points during your journey you've smelled the odor of death, but it's never boded well. Since that same odor is coming up these stairs, you decide to steer clear of them."

Intimidating, to say the least. I'll give Cutlerine slack for this one; It's stopping you from accidentally running into the boss of this area without preparation.



"This is Film Theory class. We're learning about... well, about Film Theory."

Oh yeah, this is what I meant when I said the guys here would teach us about stuff. Let's see what they have to say, shall we?



"Of all special effects, the Praxis Effect is definitely the best, don't you think?"

To the uninformed, the Praxis Effect is a big shockwave that happens in sci-fi movies like when a planet blows up.



Like so.

: "Hell yeah!"






: "Sure, man."

Film Student: "Empathetic sound matches the film, like something by NELL played over a depressing scene. The opposite is anempathic sound - like the happy music played in the intensely frustrating Inquisition Boardroom."

I'm genuinely intrigued by this because we'll be doing the same soon enough in the LP proper. Also, way to malice the fourth wall with a shoehorn, Cutlerine.

There was also a guy who talked about Double Abyss Structure, which I unfortunately forgot to screencap:

"It's where you see everything as the characters do. Like when it's dark in a film and you can't see anything either. Interesting, huh?"

I didn't expect this rom hack of all things to teach me these things. But it's definitely appreciated nonetheless.



"This is Actress class. We're learning how to be pathetic shadows of real people."






"I've heard of a Pokemon that steals guns from corpses on the battlefield... Is that true?"

Uh? As far as I'm concerned, there is no such Pokemon. I don't think even in Snakewood there's a Fakemon that fits that description.



"We're all waiting for him, so class can begin. I think maybe he went to the dorms."

Okay, more backtracking. Let's go back to the lobby and go through the middle entrance.



The dorms have the Oldale theme for some reason. Not that it bothers me - in fact the opposite because I love the music in this game.



Oh come on, this is the way to plot. You can't stop Jack from getting this over with.



Level 50?!



On the page in Pokecommunity where Cutlerine put up the rom hack, he said the hack would be "slightly more difficult" than normal. I suppose that's fine if you spell "slightly" like this.



: ("I actually beat the Milotic?! How?!")


; ("Oh well, I'm not complaining. I hate snooty actress types.")

You have no idea the surprise I had when Ambes took her down with just three Thunderbolts. When it happened, my jaw hit the floor something fierce because I didn't expect him to have won that easily.



: "Oh come on, flattery will get you nowhere."



: "That's nice. Have you seen Godot?"

Film Student: "He's in here. Since you're cool, you can go in."

Sweet. I was expecting a fight but this is a far better sequence of events.



Before we actually go into the room Godot is in, let's search this part first.

Actress: "No. Get away from me, film student freak!"

Narration: "You think about explaining the difference between nymphomaniac Film Students and normal guys, but give it up as a lost cause."

Sage advice. Don't try to go into the stairs next to her either, because it'll just give you a message of "dude there's an entire room of people like the actress to your left, it's a bad idea". So let's pilfer the TM instead.



Finally, something practical! Since Ghost is Physical in Gen 3, Bellamine doesn't get it. 

(Which you have to admit is a giant mindscrew for the supernatural and spirits to be physical of all things - thank god for the Physical/Special split in Gen 4 onwards.)



So Umbra gets it instead. He'll surely be able to use it to greater effect thanks to Swords Dance.



"My bed is full of smuggled Emolga from Unova... You didn't hear me say that! And there's nothing there anyway! ... You didn't believe me, no? Um... Here! Take one, but don't tell anybody!"

Oh right, the original draft of Snakewood was published in 2010... back when Black and White weren't even released to the US yet, I think.

The patch I'm currently playing is from 2013. I find it hilarious that Pokestar Studios was made 2 years after this rom hack with the Film University in it.

2023 Note: And you yourself are re-making a let's play from 2015. This game has been exposed to at least a decade and change of anachronisms.



[Lets out a Groudon cry]


WHAT THE FRENCH TOAST? This little flying squirrel has the most butch cry I've ever heard in my life!

The fact it replaced Groudon's slate aside, Emolga here isn't very special. I don't think he's going to be a part of the crew.



: "I think this joke has been laboured enough. Can I just get a visitor's pass so I can go and see Veracity, please?"

Godot: "Oh? Why do you need to see him?"

: "I've been sent here to check that everything is okay in this town. That includes Veracity."

Godot: "Intriguing. Such a great task for one so young. Very well, here's your pass."



I was expecting that to be much harder and stupid. Thankfully, it was not.

Godot: "Well, I don't want to keep my students waiting. I'd best be off."

[Fade to black, followed by Godot disappearing]




"Was this whole quest just an excuse for a stupid, overlong joke about Waiting for Godot? I hope not, if only for the sanity of this region..."

Ah, so that's what the reference with Godot's name was. It would make sense that Cutlerine would put in a reference to an absurdist play in a rom hack like this.

Anyway, let's go to the room on the far left in the lobby. It holds the way to Veracity's office.



Every door but the correct one will say this, by the way. Of course, the correct one has a big poster saying "VERACITY'S OFFICE" like it needed to be more obvious.



Oh, he's definitely related to Winona. They have a striking resemblance. (cough)



: "I'm Jack. Professor Birch sent me to see if everything's okay here."

: "How timely! You see, everything is in fact NOT okay here."

: "What's happened?"

: "In the basement, our researchers were working on an experimental camera that can make an entire film by itself."

: "Doesn't that render film-makers and thus yourself obsolete?"

: "I wish I thought of that earlier... Anyway, the point is that the camera is too intelligent, and has begun slaughtering researchers. This is unacceptable, so could you go and stop it please?"

Oooh, a terminator camera! While killing researchers is awful, we need to snatch this bad boy for ourselves.



"Do you always ask complete strangers to fight homicidal robots for you?"

: "Well, you look strong... And to get here from Birch, you must be powerful..."

That's true. I mean look at how far our journey has taken us since the ruins of Littleroot.

Anyway, let's make our way down to the basement.



: ("...! Jack, watch out! This is one of the forces I sensed back in the lobby!")



[Theme I would use for the X32763 Camera: Ragnda Bangda X5]

This thing is one of my favorite Fakemon in the entire game. The X32763 Camera is exactly what everybody claimed it would be - it's intelligent and strong enough to rip through the team that isn't Ambes. 

Plus, its backstory is one of my favorites - it's a top secret camera that grew out of control and planned to murder everything in its path terminator style.

It is also nefariously hard to catch, as I had to retry multiple times just to get it with Ultra Balls. Jeanne is also the only person on the team that is capable of harming it to a significant degree, thanks to it being part type.



After a million Ultra Balls and some moderate injuries later, we finally manage to catch the evil camera.



"Little is known about this artificially created Pokemon, as the project was kept top secret. However, it is known to be incredibly powerful."

Damn straight.



Since X32673 is a mouthful, let's just call you Alpha instead.



SWEET CHRIST ALMIGHTY

Look at those stats! No wonder why Jeanne brought him to half health, look at the abysmal special defense he has. 



But seriously though, Alpha is a powerhouse. Data Steam is his signature move - the animation for it is Lock-On, so it must be shooting off like a super electric bomb or something. (Which also has +1 priority if I'm not mistaken. That sir, is uh... busted.)

Alpha also has Levitate, which not only is super beneficial for his Ground type weakness but it also makes sense as he's stuck to the ceiling. It gets weird when we're outside or when the ceiling is too high to be plausible, though.



However, we don't need a fancy uber Fakemon to beat this part of the game. Ambes, take the Electric Honey instead. Don't eat it, though.

: ("Thanks, Jack. I'll try to resist.")




"Okay... So I've beaten that evil camera. Do I get a reward?"

: "A... reward?"

: "Most people have rewarded me on my journey so far."

: "Well, I won't! Now, if you excuse me, I need to attend to the Gym I inherited from my s-sister..."



Something tells me we have to go beat the reward out of him. 

Let's go sneak after him. But first...



Helmaroc, I require your assistance!

: "Haha! I was waiting for this. Don't disappoint me, boy."



Guard 2: "Hey, it is!"

Guard 1: "A Witch attack? We'd better go help Veracity!"

[The guards disappear]

... Wait. Didn't we kill all of the Witches? The timing of this is very suspicious.



Let's go inside now that they're gone, though.



[Theme I would use for this pre-boss encounter: Magic Flute]

Is that...?



"The zombie is chained up."

: "This zombie... There's something familiar about her."

[White flash]




[White flash]



Winona: "Landon, your Swellow seems less well-trained than the rest of your Pokemon... What do you have against Flying-types?"

[White flash]

: "This... this is... Winona?"

: "Zuuuuuughhh! Wuhnga!"

: "Even a Gym Leader... Winona, I'll put you out of your misery!"



[Theme I would use for this encounter: Escape from the Void]

Oh god, we're doing this. The first time I saw this happen, my heart was shattered. Like... Winona was actually one of my favorite Hoenn gym leaders. And now she's a zombie ready to claw my face off. 

I'm also a bit disturbed by how different she looks compared to other zombies - like why is her skin red? Did she get acid thrown on her?.



The first Pokemon she has is a Dirtkrow that gets fodderized by Raichu Ambes's Thunderbolt.



Her second mon, on the other hand, is much more of a threat. See, this Grim Reaper Scyther here is fast enough to outspeed Ambes and comes equipped with Earthquake to ruin whatever electric type you happen to bring with you that isn't the super cheap Camera fakemon.



However, Helmaroc throws some rocks her way and squishes her with zero effort. I feel bad for the person who didn't grind or catch the super tough plot-related Mons Cutlerine provided.



Iron Reaper, despite being the evolution, was far easier to deal with as one hit from Jeanne's Flamethrower killed them instantly.

Side-note, I love how Scyther isn't just immediately obsoleted by Scizor. They play different roles, which is pretty cool.



NO, YOU CAN'T BE





You can't be serious! Throwing a legendary like Lugia at us? I know the Camera was designed to kill this thing, but bringing this thing here makes absolutely no sense. The challenge of this rom hack should not be pitting high-level ubers against each other!

Future Dan: It's adorable how pure you are. You're blissfully unaware of the true terror that lies past the horizon.



-----



It took practically the entire team just to kill this thing! Although I feel like a badass for getting past this without resorting to cheap tactics, this is still ridiculous.



Oh no, here comes the big brother.



: "Veracity? Oh! I see! You've been keeping her here, right? That's why you don't let anybody in here!"

I just realized the entire University plot point has been the whole "trouble in paradise" plot point that zombie shows and movies tend to throw in to show something's bad going on behind closed doors.

Despite this, the university itself is still hella cozy and it's not like anything really horrible happened aside from the evil camera. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

: "That's right! I - if they found out, they'd kill her... I won't let that happen! I have to protect Winona, you see. You're not going to tell anyone, are you?"

What Jack says next re-cements my opinion of him as a rational person.



"You can't keep her here!"

: "I'll never let Winona go! I'll fight for her life - to the end of my own!"



[Theme I would use for Veracity: Sorrow's Distortion]

Yes, I consider him so dangerous that he gets a warning for HIS ENTIRE TEAM

Veracity is, bar none, the most difficult fight in Snakewood so far. While I think his face is a bit... strange, he has a cool design with the suit and everything. As you can tell, all of his Pokemon are Fire Types - he is the reason why Cutlerine threw the Soma and Rain Dance TM at you.



For example, his first Pokemon is Psypig. This one in particular knows Fire Blast, which is a 1-hit KO to everybody that's not Jeanne. It was actually pretty difficult to get past this one, as it required a bit of teamwork from both Umbra and Jeanne.

See, when I switched to Umbra, Psypig chose to boost repeatedly with Calm Mind even though logically it wouldn't make his chances any better. I had to manipulate the AI just to make sure Psypig dies efficiently.





I think the Sword Dances paid off after all.



Ninetales was nothing special. Helmaroc just threw two Ancient Powers at her and she died. I should probably mention that regardless of how much damage you took in the fight between Zombie Winona, you get fully healed when you get into the fight with Veracity. I am endlessly grateful for that decision.



: ("[gasp] I've got to end this, quick!")

OH, IT'S YOU!

Veracity's Torkoal is the most frustrating Pokemon in the entire game, bar none. See, all it knows are status moves such as Amnesia, Iron Defense, Double Team and Toxic. He can wall you into submission with zero effort if he really wanted to, which is why I regret not teaching Taunt to Valor earlier.



(sorry if it just disappeared in this screencap)

Umbra takes him out regardless, thanks to Swords Dance and incredible luck that the Torkoal didn't use Iron Defense or something.



This guy is going to learn the hard way why you don't mess with Jack's crew.



: ("I'm sorry I have to do this, but we have to stop your master immediately.")






Damn, Bellamine!

She nuked that guy out of existence despite being 10 levels lower than him. The drop to his special defense was well-timed.



Tohru and Ambes tag-team this Flareon.

Now... Veracity's final Pokemon. Are you ready, guys?



OH MY GOD REALLY



Ho-oh too?! So even if we brought the uber camera with us, it would have gotten melted by Ho-oh! Even if we trained Ballin into a Qwilshark, he would have probably gotten 1-hit KO-ed by Earthquake!

How are you supposed to deal with this monster without Aerodactyl?!

Future Dan: Be glad you even have an option! Other less charitable games would expect you to improvise. 



It has Pressure too, which makes things worse as Ancient Power only has 5 PP.



Thankfully, Helmaroc outspeeds it and lands the finishing blow. We finally got him...



[Theme I would use for this scene: Sad Story]

"Winona... I've failed you... I couldn't protect you..."

: "It's not Winona, Veracity. It's something else now, taking over her body."

: "I know... Every day, I come here with the Sacred Sword, intending to kill it... But then I see her, and I just - just can't..."

: "I can do it. I didn't know her very well. I can kill her for you."



"... Okay. Use the sword. It slices through evil with Ho-oh's fire."

Oh, that explains why he has a Ho-oh. Still though. 



"One swing was all it took."

^ The above line was edited to fit the gravity of the scene, as it was originally -



Which is like way to kill the mood!

: "Zuuuuggghnn!"

[Winona blinks in and out of existence]



: ".... Winona..."

: "Are you okay?"

: "... I'm fine. Here, let me heal your Pokemon. It's the least I could do for you."

[Fade to black, followed by healing SFX]




"I... Goodbye."

[Veracity walks away]



... I think we broke Veracity. I didn't expect the game to hit so hard with this plot point, given how relatively happy-go-lucky the rest of the game is.



Next time on Pokemon Snakewood, we... I don't even know. See you then, guys.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:


 (Bellamine, , Level 41, ) - "That... that was actually kind of heartrending."
(Ambes, , Level 43, ) - "I... I can't really keep my cool after seeing at what happened with Veracity and Winona..."
 (Jeanne, , Level 42, ) - "Hmm."
(Helmaroc, , Level 44, /) - "To think, these Pokemon used to be my enemies..."
 (Umbra, , Level 42, ) - "I suppose it was her time. Keeping her in that cursed form would have been a disservice to her memory."
(Tohru, , Level 43, /) - [Is sitting quietly and meditating about what's happened]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Reggie, , Level 33, has Leftovers, /) - [Is in awe of the situation]
 (Valor, , Level 39, has Plus Band, ) - "This is getting a bit too heavy for my tastes... [sniff]"
(Zagon, , Level 33, ) - "Wow... Poor Veracity."
(Alice, , level 12, ) - [Is struggling to hold back tears]
(Krusha, , level 12, /) - Is sitting with Cherry mulling over their future
(Ballin, , level 14, /) - "... Well, that just happened."
(Pumbloom, , level 14, ) - [is quietly sobbing]
 (Ace, , Level 39, has Anadrin Talon, /) - [Is humbled and bows to Winona's departure]
 (Benedict, , level 43, /) - "I... This journey's getting kind of depressing."
 (Cherry, , level 12, /) - "What's going to happen to us?"
 (Beatrice, , Level 26, /) - "Every rose wilts eventually."
 (Shine, , level 12, ) - "Even a gym leader... Poor Veracity. He must be so heartbroken."
 (Spark, , level 12, ) - "Yeah... but at the very least Ambes finally evolved. So there's that at least."
(Alpha, level 50, /) - "HAHAHAHA. PATHETIC THINGS. YOUR FOLLY WAS LETTING YOURSELVES BE WEAKENED BY YOUR EMOTIONS."
 (Letro, level 31, /) - "SUCH ARROGANCE. WATCH YOUR TONGUE, ALPHA. OR SHOULD I HAVE TO DEMONSTRATE WHY YOU DON'T USE MAGNETS ON COMPUTERS?"
 (Juno, , Level 38, ) - [Slams into Alpha full-force]
(Menti, , level 37, /) - "I guess... I should be lucky that wasn't my fate."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

We last left Jack thinking about the impact he left on Veracity.

: "Sigh... May as well leave town. There's nothing else to do here anyway."



But as we try to leave, this lady stops us to tell us something.

"You've beaten Veracity, haven't you? I know I'm right. In that case, please take the Comet Badge!"




: "Hey, thanks. This makes me feel a little better, I suppose."

Sweet. So with that said, let's make our way back towards the strange rock formation back towards Lilycove.



Not before picking up Ace, though.

: ("I'm surprised you even did. Not that I'm complaining. Let's go, Jack!")



This measly bush was to stop you from proceeding. Umbra cuts it down, though.



Now, just what can be inside this cave? Given how this game operates, it's sure to be some crazy shit.



[Current audio-in game: Unused Route 38 Theme]

Aw piss, this is going to be fun. A Flash dungeon of all things? Really?

I like the music though. Even it's unused in normal Ruby/Sapphire proper, I find it super catchy.



Thankfully, Ambes solves that problem immediately. I know I dissed Flash earlier, but the accuracy lowering is actually pretty useful in battle.



[Theme I would use for the entire Madio family: Dry Guys]

Would you believe me that this isn't even the worst part of the dungeon?

See, where we are right now is called the Madio Caves. This is where all Madio live excluding Kingmadio for some reason. They're all level 1, they're all part Ghost and they all know Teleport. I don't know why you would catch them aside from novelty - their stats are pretty horrible.



"This cave is very strange, and quite hard to get through... I can heal your Pokemon to help you if you'd like."

Thank you, but I'll pass. I'm pretty sure that the most dangerous thing we'll face in the Madio Caves is annoyance. It may not hurt the body, but it will hurt the mind.



... Cutlerine must have really not wanted anybody to enjoy this game given how much he trolls the player.

See, on top of being a Flash dungeon, the Madio Caves are another wonderful No Direction Given maze with evil exits, rooms that all look the same and a lot of one-way returns. Even with savestates, I nearly tore my hair out just from how confusing this was.

Imagine this being put into a physical cartridge and playing it with just the hard save.



It's as if the cave itself is taunting you.



... Uh. I'm sorry guys, I literally don't have anything interesting to say about the kooky nature of this game anymore. I am drained of any interesting commentary or jape I could possibly have.



Bonemadio is /. Remember that ??? is Disease in Snakewood, so I don't want to know what Bonemadio does in its spare time.



One exit took me out here to this weird... tomato bird thing. Let's sneak up on it!



Oh, it's a cute little red bird.



He was very cooperative, as it only took one Ultra Ball to catch him. That's a good bird.



Cinderco is like a makeshift grenade. Squeeze it hard enough and it'll explode, which sounds both hilarious and terrifying at the same time. Get your own Cinderco today!



... Ahem. Well, I named him Alex because the thing he evolves into is... pretty stupid. You'll just have to see what it is.



I also went and caught an Aeromadio. I gave it no name because I do not want it to exist as part of the crew.



Maybe because Lilycove is blocked off? I feel bad for the people who can't climb ledges, because then they'd have to go through this surreal nightmare of a dungeon.



Even regular trainers are getting super beefy Pokemon. When everything gets scaled up in levels like this, it makes me seriously wonder what would have happened if Jack started in Fortree or something.

The Nido family is cool but they fall effortlessly to Psychic and Surf. (by the way, to all of you hawk-eyed readers, you'll notice Tohru is down a level. I mixed up the sequence of events between the Cinderco event and this fight. I apologize.)



I feel nothing but sympathy for these two. Hell, everybody who's stuck in the cave. Everybody but the Madio because they probably caused the Cave to happen in the first place.



: "OH GOD I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING!"

[Jack covers his eyes]



I should mention that we're back in Haruko's Gym, yet this dude has Pokemon that are three times stronger than even Haruko herself. Not that their levels matter much, given how Tohru and Ambes beat them up with little effort.

Ambes evolving into a Raichu was the best decision I've made yet, given how nimble he is.



: "I am so sorry to interrupt. I'll just be leaving..."

Yes, you really do have to walk back into the pirate to go back into the Madio Caves. 



Another exit took me here. This is back in the Inquisition Base near Mauville, only it's in a spot we couldn't access before. Apparently, time and space in the Madio Caves is distorted to the point where just walking in one direction can land you in the other end of the region or something.



[snickers immaturely at a pokeball having an afro]

Seriously though, this is no laughing matter. The Afro Ball is the Master Ball of Snakewood. 

This should also be an omen regarding a certain group of people...



Just... ladders. Ladders everywhere. I can't tell if I'm climbing up or getting sucked deeper into the pits of madness.



[Current audio in-game: Rustboro City]

... Huh? What's the deal? This is the same place as before, only lit up and with the Rustboro City theme. It caught me off guard because I didn't expect the sudden change in scenery. There's no random battles in here, and going in an exit just takes you out of this spot.

It may not be a big change, but it seriously got me to check every exit to see where the hell this would take me.



: "You need to learn some manners, son."



: "Thank you, Tohru."

: ("It was nothing.")



You could have just said that instead of letting your Weavile get smashed to pieces.



"This is the Cutlerine speaking. Sorry, but this area is still underconstruction."

This is a patch that was made a year after the game was finished! How can this still be under construction?

: ("Jack! This is the force we encountered back around Mt. Pyre!")


: "Wait, what? This guy?"

: ("Don't be decieved. It's not a normal person... Perhaps we should leave. What if it tries to possess you again?")

: "... Yeah, let's get out of here."



Wait what? The screencap doesn't say it, but we're in Victory Road now? How are we here so early?



Lost Soul, huh? That means this guy's just a phantom. Despite that, he can still send Pokemon at us.

I feel bad for him because he must have died while trying to escape the Madio Cave. What a horrible way to go.



One of them being Cloyster, which is... Yeah, I won't go there. Ambes doesn't need that sort of imagery in his life.



For beating the ghost there, we get a Caramac. Nice.



"I'm studying the walls. They seem to be made of some sort of compressed jelly..."

Alright, I don't want to know what kind of "jelly" it is. The cave has gotten even more unappealing somehow.



And suddenly we're back in the Inqusition Base again. The game is dropping some giant "hints" as to who is returning.



"It seems to be searching for an item you don't have. This flimsy threshold guardian script therefore won't let you past."

Well, guess who has to come back here in the postgame then? (i don't want to but i'm the only one who can)

Future Dan: I haven't bothered to check but I don't think the ladder even really leads anywhere.



Oh hello, Ice Beam. You certainly made a late entrance into the game. Thanks for coming, though.



Whoa, we actually made it outside? Thank god.

But wait, the gentleman next to us wants to give us a proper Trainer hello.



Worse plagues, huh? Tell me, where have you visited that's worse than a place where society has collapsed?



This is his only Pokemon, by the way. I've seen some really kick-ass Rapidash fusions - my favorite is a Beedrill/Rapidash one that makes it look like a hell-horse with purple fire.



Everybody praising Jack and the Crew is how it should be, to be honest.



"Some odd-looking people turned me back further on. They said they were waiting for Jack, and that cake would be served."

: ("Cake? Jack, this doesn't sound good.")


: ("I'll say, Ambes. If they know who Jack is...")

: "Guys, I'm sure we'll be fine. It can't be a threat if it's someone we know."

: ("That's a dangerous way of thinking in of itself...")



For some reason, you can't step into the tile in front of Jack. It's like some invisible barrier.

Say hello to the Troll, by the way.



Troll: "Then I cut them up and glued the pieces together to make one!"

WHAT 






[Theme I would use for A Monster: Wasteful Anthem]

Oh my god WHAT IS THAT

It's a literal Frankenstein's monster made out of pieces of Lotad, Tropius, Numel and... is that KYOGRE?! I literally cannot hope to comprehend the madness that went into this creature's creation.

A Monster is pure type and as such has no weaknesses. It knows a bevy of powerful physical moves and can easily rip apart the team.



: ("I got frozen AGAIN?!")

Poor guy just can't catch a break with being frozen.

: ("Bellamine! Let's put this abomination out of its misery!")

: ("Agreed!")



YEAH KICK SOME ASS, LADIES






Joking aside, I actually kind of liked A Monster. Even if its origin was probably the most gruesome thing in the entire hack yet. Poor Pokemon just had to be in the hands of a psycho Troll.

It's a very memorable moment, if nothing else.





There was an Item Ball around here that had these. Cutlerine really had an affinity for candy when he was editing the EV-Boosting items.



:

: ("THEY'RE BACK?!")

: ("Back for more, eh?!")

: ("... Why is everybody freaking out at the blue afro men?")

: ("Umbra, you're new to the team so I may as well explain. They are the Deadly Seven. They're people that consistently pester us on our adventure in an attempt to drive us insane.")

: ("... Oh. That explains everything. ")

: ("I'll teach them to leave Jack alone the hard way this time.")

[Upon encountering the Deadly Seven, they all do "!" except for one of them who does "?"]



"No, no, no! Karkov, we need to be perfectly synchronized if we ever want to make the National Surprise Team!"

: "There's such a thing?!"

(Asimov): "Ah, hello Jack! We've some cake, but we've ate it all, I'm afraid. It was that vanilla crazy cake I was making."

: "The one with arsenic?"

(Asimov): "The very same. Anyway, we wanted to have a talk with you! Go, comrades!"

[Asimov sics one of the Deadly Seven on Jack]

Oh hell no!



[Theme I would play for the entire 10-battle Deadly More-Than-Seven Boss Rush: IT'S PIZZA TIME.]


Damn, the Deadly Seven really want Jack dead if they're all ganging up on him ten to one.

Screw it, we're not scared! Come on, you blue-haired lunatics!



Mikov had the usual Oddish family members. This Bellossom had a very bad time going up against Ace, despite being 9 levels higher.



: ("That wasn't even a warm up! Come on!")

[Bobov attacks]



He had an Onix and two Steelix, but Tohru swung them around with zero effort. Where would this team be without you, my wonderful sumo brawler?



(Asimov): "Yes! No rests! Except maybe one, when we'll have more cake."

: "I don't want your cake! It's deadly!"

... But it tastes good, Jack. Cake's always good unless it's coconut or pineapple. (and I'm not sorry for saying that.)

(Asimov): "Just like my fairies! Gunkov, launch a theatrical assault!"

[Gunkov makes a gibbering yell and attacks Jack]



: ("I'd rather you not pick a fight with me.")






And by the skin of her teeth, Bellamine manages to take down this monster.

Since we're at it, Kenchukuo is the evolution of Kenchira. It is now a / beast with tremendous Attack and SPEED BOOST to ruin any poor sap's day.



WHOA ACE MANAGED TO GET ONE TOO?!

... Just as I expected from the master of the skies.




"I won't be able to beat you all in one go!"

I agreed with Jack while playing because I didn't know if I could make it or not. Even if I had prepared for it, this would still have been harsh to deal with.

(Asimov): "You lose ten points! Karkov, show Jack what point reduction really is!"

(Karkov): "Pumpkin fairy POINT REDUCE SMASH BOLT!"



Prime example right here. Look at how roughshod the entire team was just from the first few fights! Healing had to be delivered in expresso because I honestly thought I was going to lose.



Ambes takes out the trash and defies his Type Weaknesses.

: ("Who wants some more?!")

: ("... *pants heavily* Maybe taunting them like this isn't such a good idea.")



(Asimov): "Robotnov, show us your Computank ability!"

(Robotnov): "Computank... activate!"

So he's actually a robot? That's not just his name?! 



Don't look at them or you'll turn to stone!



Robotnov has a Crobat too, which looks much better than the pre-evolutions due to not having a mangled Gen 1 sprite.



As the ultimate insult, Ambes doesn't even use all of his strength to get rid of the Crobat.

I like to imagine Ambes uses Flash with his tail and just puts it in front of Crobat's face in an attempt to blind him.



Oh thank god. I don't know how I would have been able to continue if this wasn't here.

: "Finally!"

(Asimov): "Eat this cake!"



: "No, it's deadly! ... Actually, that's quite tasty."

See what I told you, Jack? I don't put it past him for not trusting the Deadly Seven, though.

[The cake fully heals the entire team]

If Cutlerine were just a smidge more cruel, we wouldn't even get the cake heal. Count ourselves very lucky.

(Asimov): "Now, for Rolv's super jump kick finale!"



Rolv had two Metangs, but they weren't anything special. Metagross was such a threat though that I had to put Confuse Ray on him.



(Sputnov): "Here's my latest Paranoia!"

Yeah, nobody cares. If you yell "I AM A ROM HACKER" again, I swear I will deck you on the schnoz.



His only Pokemon are three Ampharos. Their strategy is to slow you down to a snail's pace with Cotton Spore and paralysis, which doesn't affect my team at all considering the thing I'm concerned the most about is hitting hard.



: "Can what?"

(Vladov): "Can party way, way, WAY too hard!"

Whatever party these guys make/attend is sure to become a disaster.





That's one hell of a dopey sprite, but don't be fooled. Ramshaker is a monster of a Fakemon. It is a / type that has tremendous bulk and strong enough moves to stampede through whatever team you have. It is the evolution of Calfby with equal Attack and Defense, so it's like the Hitmontop of that family.



Oh and to stop you from winning too easily, this beast comes equipped with the Chaos of Oden (Focus Band) to get a sort of comeback victory.



: ("I'm not surprised such a creature associated itself with these madmen. Now, if you'll please.")

I'm glad Jeanne is here with the Confuse Ray + Burn strategy. It's surprisingly versatile given how far behind the team tends to get with levels.

-

Future Dan: Just wait until future games where she can do the same thing but she always has the sun out thanks to Drought.

-

I need to break out Reggie some time in the future.



Oh, and Tohru tore apart the Miltank while everybody else was sitting around and stretching their legs.

: ("We're almost there, I think. For a ten-on-one, they're surprisingly not that difficult.")



(Adolv): "At the ready! Let's make a FWFL scene!"

: "What the hell is FWFL?!"

FWFL is an acronym for "future wife for life." So uh...

I do not want any part of this. 



Adolv has two Dragonairs and this Dragonite, who's ready to receive the most painful Ice Punch in his life.

[Ambes used Ice Punch!]





It just repeats what it said the last time, but hey a full heal is always appreciated. Even though this is the part where I didn't need it at all.



: "What does that even mean?"

I'm surprised Jack is still even trying to comprehend these nutjobs. I gave up trying a long time ago.



He has three Tyranitars, by the way. So this pretty much happened.

: ("NOOO!")

[Tohru used Rock Smash!]







: ("Done, and done. That should be the last of them.")



(Asimov): "... Wahahaha! That was a fun cake party! Shall we go, gang?"

: "Please do!"

(Asimov): "Hee! You'll see us later, don't worry. For now, just remember that there's a lot of traitors left in Hoenn you don't know about yet. Byeeee!"

... That's not sinister at all. Yeah, just get outta here.



: "Thank the lord, they're gone."

: ("I see what you meant when you said the Deadly Seven were annoying. Just hearing them talk almost made me want to tear my fur out.")

: ("The fact they were ready to jump us like that was terrible, but you should have seen their faces when we powered through them all. They were trying to hide it, but they reeked of shame and humiliation.")

: ("We got rid of them at the very least. Let's go into the nearest Pokecenter and relax.")

I can't imagine what would have happened if I hadn't prepared for this beforehand. It wouldn't have been pretty.



For all your troubles, you can get a Sun Stone here. Any evolution item is welcome as long as one of the Crew can utilize it.



It only gets better from here, guys.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Bellamine, , Level 42, ) - "Our victory over the Deadly Seven should get them off our backs for a while."
(Ambes, , Level 46, ) - "We plowed through 'em! Our teamwork can get through any obstacle!"
 (Jeanne, , Level 45, ) - "That it can Ambes. Although I'm not quite sure how much longer our tricks can work on these advancing threats."
 (Ace, , Level 40, has Anadrin Talon, /) - "I can't believe I actually defeated one of those creatures. That's usually Bella's job, but what the hell I'll take it."
 (Umbra, , Level 42, ) - "It seems like there's forces approaching outside the Pokemon Center. I'd be wary if I were you, everyone!"
(Tohru, , Level 46, /) - "Hwahahaha! Don't worry about it, Umbra. There's no need to fear underneath Jack's leadership."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:


(Reggie, , Level 33, has Leftovers, /) - "You guys sure are takin' real good care of those mokes. I'm curious as to what's coming up next."
 (Valor, , Level 39, has Plus Band, ) - "Hey, Zagon. How was working with Jack and them like before I came onto the team?"
(Zagon, , Level 33, ) - "Let's see... It was only me, Ambes, Ace, Bella, and Reggie back then. Oh, and Benedict back when she was an egg. We weren't evolved, but everything seemed a lot easier back then..."
(Alice, , level 12, ) - "Ooooh, let me at those nasty Deadly Ten or something! They get my blood boiling, nya!"
(Krusha, , level 12, /) - Is sitting with Cherry mulling over their future again
(Ballin, , level 14, /) - "Yo, is... is it just me or is everything getting really hard all of a sudden? Like you noticed how much trouble even the active Crew had?"
(Pumbloom, , level 14, ) - "Yeah... It sure is scary to think about what else might be left to fight."
(Helmaroc, , Level 44, /) - "Master Famine was a coward compared to Jack. I made the right choice when I switched loyalties."
 (Benedict, , level 43, /) - "Got your nose, Spark!"
(Cherry, , level 12, /) - "... Jack. Are you ever going to train me and Krusha?"
 (Beatrice, , Level 26, /) -  "Ooh, a fine job, team! Show those nasty blue-haired men what for!" [does cheerleading motions with her rose-hands]
 (Shine, , level 12, ) - "Aah! You scared me, Juno."
 (Spark, , level 12, ) - "Ack! I'll get you, Benedict! Uh, I mean Chloris!"
(Alpha, level 50, /) - "LETRO, HOW CAN YOU HAVE COMPASSION FOR ANY OF THESE CREATURES? YOU'RE A MACHINE LIKE ME."
 (Letro, level 31, /) - "I MAY BE A MACHINE, BUT I'M NO SERIAL KILLER. FOR BEING SUCH AN "ADVANCED" MODEL, YOU ARE HEARTLESS... UGH, I'M TEMPTED TO THROW DOWN WITH YOU RIGHT HERE."
 (Juno, , Level 38, ) - "So, how's it going, little Pichu girl?"
(Menti, , level 37, /) - "It's so... cold here. But the thermometer says it's 75 degrees. Well, to be fair, I can't really tell..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I still can't believe that the Deadly Seven were smart enough to gang up on you ten to one (Well, if you add all the Pokemon that's... a lot to seven. I'm not going to peek back to see how many there were).

It's an effective strategy, but damn! Let that be the standard for the game's difficulty from now on.



"We're having a drinking contest. Want to join?"

Sure, man. Jack needs another drink after everything he's done so far.

: ("Jack, are you really doing this again?!")



("This is a bottle of Shoggoth's Old Peculiar... This is definitely a step up from Magmar Whiskey. This could get messy...")

Maybe we should have listened to Bellamine's warning and not done this, but we can't chicken out now.

Why did Cutlerine make Jack sixteen again? Why didn't he settle for at least early twenties?

... Well, that's my canon age for him now.



"The Shoggoth's Old Peculiar tried to burn a hole in your soul, but you've blackened it too much with zombie killing. Okay!"

All of these messages are randomized, but I had to get this one for the sake of hilarity. The Shoggoth's Old Peculiar is like the alcohol of the Elder Gods, given how a few sips can sear through Jack's skull and make him see through time to get visions of Cthulhu. 

When you lose this one, it says Jack loses ninety critical brain circuits and passes out like he's been hit with a sledgehammer.

Like hot damn, Jack even being able to handle this level of drink means he's superhuman.



Oh boy, they're losing it.



: "A bolt of lightning cleaves Tones in two... The Lord Thy God is a vengeful god..."

Shades: "Did Toneshhh jusssht die?"

Holy hell!

Never challenge Arceus's drinking skills or you'll pay the ultimate price.



I chuckled like a madman at this entire scene, alright.



"Jack threw the Shoggoth's Old Peculiar high into the sky and caught the falling drops of liquor one by one on his tongue with lightning speed. Ideal!"

See what I mean by superhuman?! That's some Matrix shit.



"Shades projectile vomited and launched himself backwards into the wall, knocking himself out! It looks like Jack won!"

Excuse me, it looks like he won? The Pokecenter is irreversibly painted with Shades's lunch!



"In time-honoured tradition, Jack stole the Film Students' wallets! Jack stole 100,000 Pokedollars!"





Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Jack is the king of the drink!



However, since such an exposure to Elder God level beer would inevitably kill Jack later on, let's say this part didn't happen. 100,000 Pokedollars is chump change.



Oh yes, this is what the chef sells you. Blue Fish and Pink Ink have no worth in the game itself, but they do reference a Dr. Seuss book. The Red Stew is what we really need, although even I don't know what it's for.



Ballin, my boy. Your time has come to prove yourself to the Crew.

: [Sputters incoherently] ("Really, Jack?! I didn't expect this, but... I'm ready!")

I should mention that the entire city of Lilycove has been taken over by Inquisition Footmen and they're all back with a vengeance.



There was one right next to the Pokecenter, but Umbra took him out no problem.



[Breaks out the disco lights]

Let's dance.



Sure, it doesn't look any different than other Inquisition set-ups aside from the Cradily, but their Hombeast has a new move. 

It is called... the Curse Claw. It's an instant kill if it connects and I have to assume it is painful beyond comprehension, hence why I'm glad nobody got hit by it.

... Outside of practice runs, of course.



Any experience is good experience. You know, for the longest time, I've been part of the bandwagon that didn't know what type Cradily was. I guess that was attributed to it being the only / Pokemon in existence.



That's... a bit of a departure from the rest of the dialogue we've had in this game.







Back in chapter 5 or so, this would have been phenomenal for Tohru to do. Now though, it's just his daily workout routine. He has an Armaldo too, but Bellamine blasts it away off screen.



... fun fact everybody, "hijo de puta" is spanish for motherfucker

Cutlerine you sneaky little man, putting foreign obscenities in your hack



"I am from Spain region. Illegal immigrants find good work here with current economic climate, no?"



Let's just move on.



"I am one of the Inquisition's Five Ninja! Authorized to use Ninja Pokemon - for Ninja purposes only!"

We're under attack by Ninjas! Everybody panic!



Oh. Why was I scared? Beedrill, even with a STAB-boosted super effective Pin Missile, couldn't take Bellamine's health below half. Poor sucker doesn't get respect until his Mega Evolution comes by in Gen VI, so for now Bellamine swats his wings off.



Sevicious was here too, but Ambes took pretty good care of him thanks to liberal use of Flash and Thunderbolt.

Sevicious and / Milotic seriously need to be a thing in the real games.



I can't think of anything but Naruto, even despite the fact I haven't seen anything related to Naruto in several years. (Real ninja tend to be way cooler anyway)



"But step through that door, and you're giving yourself up for dead."

He's trying to intimidate Jack like the fight inside of the motel is worse than what we had to deal with to get into Lilycove. (spoiler: it's not)

Before we do that, though, let's mess around with a Footman before we enter.



See, I told you the Hombones were rental Pokemon. That sort of explains why most villainous teams use the same Pokemon over and over again unless they're Admins.



Ambes beat this dude at his own game. Breloom's specialty is punching things yet even he lost to Ambes's Ice Punch.

I made the right decision after all.



No, what you needed was a team that covered most, if not all, of your bases.



"I'm Randolph, and I collect certain Pokemon from the Numra region, like Magenpies. My Magenpies love Blue Rocks, and I love my Magenpies - bring me a Blue Rock and I'll teach your Pokemon new (or old) moves."

Oh sweet, there's the Move Tutor. Don't get too excited though, because this guy is a psycho. See that green-haired lady over there? Randolph thinks she's a Magenpie and is holding her here  against her will. 

So uh... let's get the hell out of here. 



Would you look at that, the docks were destroyed. I don't know why they would suddenly pop out of existence. It would have been easier to leave them unedited but unusable, but then again I'm not Cutlerine.



Hey, it's Chloe! Let's get some answers as to why the Inquisition is against Jack again.



"Everyone's trying to kill me!"

: "Hmph. Of course. You've served your purpose - you got rid of the Horsemen for us. Now, since you're a threat to our government, prepare to die! Guards!"



Oh, would you look at that! Both Taoists in the game want us dead. Gleis and Chloe have both been evil pricks since the beginning, and honestly I don't even understand this mindset. 

Why is she trying to attack Jack instead of manipulating him over to her side? At least make an effort. Have it fail spectacularly.

[Two footmen enter the room and corner Jack]




"Damn it! I can't take you all on like this for another two generations!"

Oh no, we are trapped by the limitations of the game! Whatever shall we do.

[Two dragons enter from the front door and attack the Footmen]




"Three people against one, and with zombie backup. What say you, Dragon Visigoth?"

(Visigoth): "I concur, Dragon Hun. Shall we take on these buffoons?"

(Hun): "I believe we should, as per his Majesty's commands. Jack, you take down this woman. We shall hold off these fools!"

Wait. Did we just get saved by Meteor's soldiers? Excellent timing.



[Theme I would use for the fight with Chloe: Vile Battle Theme]

Chloe, your sprite needs some work babe. There's so many ugly gray splotches. That, and she's pretty much Lucy with differently colored hair and white pants. Her battle strategy is just as impressive as she looks, given how nothing she has should be a threat.



Case in point as our two regulars whip two of her Pokemon with ease.



If this were Gen 6, this would be a different story. But for now Wigglytuff is weak to getting punched in the face.



: ("Oh no, you got me.")

[Bellamine used Psychic!]







: ("Perhaps you should have attacked me first. Not that it matters anymore, of course.")

You know, despite several of Alicia/Horseman War's Pokemon getting casually beaten off by the The Crew at their current levels, I still hold her fight with high spirits. Chloe on the other hand is just pathetic.



Having a four times weakness to Fighting must be horrendous. Mega Aggron being pure Steel with an ability that weakens super-effective moves helps a lot, but regular Aggron? What should be a match made in Heaven for physical bulk crumbles the instant someone even flicks a finger at it.



Apparently, all Taoists have Faceleech for some reason. In terms of use, however, Faceleech has long since become obsolete as its incredible attack and speed isn't enough to take anybody down anymore. 

Ambes was hit with a Poison Fang by this thing, and it only took him to down half health. Ambes is not known for his bulk, which must be especially embarassing for Faceleech.



: ("I remember being so scared of fighting this thing yet now I don't even need to outspeed it.")



: ("Pretty disappointing for what's supposed to be the killer app of the Taoists, haha.")

There's my boy.



"Damn it. Alakazam, use Teleport!"

[Chloe disappears instantly]

And that's the last we ever see of her. Goodbye Chloe, nobody will remember you existed.



(Visigoth): "We ate them."

: "And the zombies?"

(Hun): "Them too."

: "... Oh."

They take all kinds, apparently. 

(Hun): "Dr. Blackthorn conveyed a message to His Majesty. Then we were ordered to come and help you. Please, ride on my back, and we'll take you to Mossdeep."

Huh. So the good doctor... was actually a good doctor. Interesting. Let's see how this plays out.



[Current audio in-game: Rustboro theme]

Fort Draco, huh? So the dragons took over Mossdeep and turned it into a dragon fortress. That sounds pretty cool, honestly.

But where did the people go?



: "Oh, hero? I wouldn't say that but thanks."

Yeah, everybody that lives here is a dragon and they all like Jack. I wonder why.

I should mention that they built a Pokecenter and a Pokemart just for us, which makes them the nicest people we've met so far. 



"These are something I took from a muscular-looking human a long time ago. I would like you to have them, to thank you for letting Meteor smile once again."

Awwww. Sure.



Well, it's the thought that matters. The Dumbbells boost Effort Values when you beat up Pokemon, but I don't see much use for it in a rom hack.



: "Oh. Well, of course."



They give us the Kingdra Rod, which is pretty much the Super Rod of Snakewood. Appropriate given how this place is surrounded by water.



"Come back when you've obtained the Secret of the Magi."



Well, that sure was helpful. I don't even know what this is about, but I have to assume it involves postgame secrets.



"This tunnel is the sole link between the Fort and the outside. Hence why there are three of us guarding it here."

Well, this place is pretty hefty to begin with. Nothing will be able to get in here, especially now that Jack is here.



Net Balls are a neat idea, but we have the team finalized except for some movesets and evolutions.



"The perfect place to let your pets get some exercise, don't you think?"

Endless Plains has and will always remain a mystery to me. All of the Pokemon here look like they're having fun though, so I guess that's fine and good.



"This is my Charizard. It gathers information about the region for me."

Ah, so that's the Charizard we keep encountering across our adventure. That explains a lot.

(hell that's even what the text says when you talk to the Charizard)



"Ah, Jack. Meteor had us rebuild the Pokecenter and Pokemart specifically for you. I hope you enjoy them."

Man, Meteor sure is a generous guy all of a sudden by having his men build stuff for Jack. Not that I'm complaining, of course.



"Ah, Jack... I could, if you wish, fly you to our training hall, which might be useful for you. Alternatively, I could fly you to the Tower."

Oooooh, decisions. However, let's back off his offer for now and go talk to the big guy himself.



: "I'll be right back."

I just realized I might have done this out of order, given how you had to talk to Meteor first but it's no big deal.



"Thank you, a thousand times thank you for rescuing my daughter!"

: "It was nothing, really. Here, take her back."

[Jack returns the Egg to Meteor]

: "Thank you again. In return, please take this!"



Oh damn, we just got the best move in the game for travel. Meteor is a pretty cool guy. Maybe we just got off on the wrong foot?

I mean, having the Horseman evaporated by Death (aka. Yveltal ) sure helps matters.

: "That's the HM for Fly. With that move, you can move about Hoenn without relying on Dragon Hun to carry you everywhere."

: "Thanks!"

Dr. Blackthorn: "By the way, before you leave, you might want to speak to Dragon Hun. He said he would take you to some interesting places."

: "Oh?"



[Dr. Blackthorn walks way only to turn around and talk to Jack]

Dr. Blackthorn: "By the by, Jack, the forces of the East have moved into Lilycove, looking for you. They're catching up fast, so be wary, understand?"

: "... Okay."

I love how Jack's reaction to this is just "oh boy more migraines for me to deal with".

[Dr. Blackthorn leaves the room for real this time]




"You may count on our support whenever you require it."

: "Well, you're welcome. Sorry about calling you an overgrown lizard earlier... it was the adrenaline speaking, you know?"

: "That's long been forgiven. You are free to stay here if you so wish. Our fortress will always be a home for you, hero."

Well, now I have a new place for Jack to live if the zombie apocalypse ever blows over.



Alright Ace. Are you ready to claim the skies as your own?

: ("You call the shots, chief.")



Aw yeeeeah. Let's use it right now.





The Training Hall it is, then.



[Fade to black]



Ah, it's underground. Let's see just what this Training Hall is even about.



Oh, this looks complicated. But trust me when I say it's not. It's just some fighting and that's it. No real tricks.



"We took the floor tiles from the Gym here and built a maze. It trains the mind as well as the body!"

I both loved and hated the original Gym for Liza and Tate. Mostly because it was convoluted but at the same time it was... creative? I dunno.



With a name like that, you can tell he specializes in Water types.

And yes, there are six of them. There are no other trainers in the gym aside from a special someone.



MOLTRES?!

Everybody just has legendaries now. I don't know how to feel about this, but I can at least say it's kind of justified given how this Dragon isn't just any average joe.

I'm very fond of super-elite enemies that randomly show up during the middle of the adventure. They usually stand out a bit more.



Despite the intimidation factor, Ambes shoots down the Moltres with a few thunderbolts.

: ("Man, Jack, you sure picked the best time to evolve me into a Raichu. Everything's weak to either my Thunderbolt or Ice Punch. It's pretty surreal.")



The next fight over is with this guy. His name stems from Olympus Mons, a mountain on the surface of Mars that is nearly triple the size of Mount Everest. Let that be a good indication of what kind of Pokemon he uses.



Shadow Ball proves to be infinitely useful. The AI itself seems to be confused as to whether Shadow Ball is physical or special given how back in the fight against Veracity, the ever-lovable Torkoal used Amnesia more than Iron Defense to block it.

Just Gen 3 Things. (tm)



You would think this is a horrendous idea, given that Whiscash could tear Jeanne into pieces with Earthquake even with halved attack. Surprisingly, he succumbed to Confuse Ray and wound up putting my plan into progress.



It consisted of Tohru wailing on the thing until it became sashimi.



Ambes keeps defying his type weaknesses. Ice Punch is so good.



You're telling me. This team is made up of normal Pokemon instead of the "super special brand new" Fakemon Cutlerine wants you to use to cheese the game instead. Not to say there won't be any in the future, given how Valor and Ballin are due to evolve, but I'm just saying.



Ah yes. We're already up to the third of the Six Elements. I'll give Cutlerine credit for not making this torture.



A fancy dragon typing isn't enough to save you from your fate of being a fried seahorse.



: "Oh, really? Tell that to my Raichu, then."



You know, in hindsight, this entire sequence is more of Ambes's training montage than anything else, given how he keeps doing most of the work.



This Skarmory uses the last of her strength to puke spikes all over the ground, but alas. The battle's already over.



: "I'm not giving you points for the wind puns."



Wait a minute... We beat four guys. , , and respectively. Where's the other two?

Oh whatever. We're at the end, anyway.



"You defeated the Four Horsemen... and now you have overcome the powerful Six Element Dragons. I cannot begin to comprehend from where your spirit rises... But I will strive to emulate your warrior's heart!"

: "En garde, Dragon King."



[Theme I would use for the fight against Meteor now: Into the Dark Night]

Here we go. The final fight against Meteor, and this time under the prospect of a gentleman's challenge rather than "I'm going to kill you." I like this fight quite a bit, actually.

Meteor's seriously stepped up his game since the last time we've fought him, with his team being more well-rounded. It took me a few tries to beat him, and I assure you it wasn't stupid at all.



: ("Oh hey, you're the guy I beat up before. Look, I'm sorry for what happened before.")

Dragon: ("It's fine. I can take another beating for His Majesty as long as it's for a higher purpose. Now prepare yourself.")


: ("Yeah, of course.")










Tohru handled the Kingdra because Ambes was taking too much of the spotlight.



Oh, this was one was masterful. See, this guy used Fire Pump/Flamethrower and it wound up activating Synchronize, leaving both of them with burns. Given how Dragons are primarily physical fighters aside from Fire Pump, this screwed him over something fierce.



Hi, Altaria. This one in particular knows Fury Dance (which is just Dragon Dance but more... angry! ) and will not hesitate to spam it to completely overpower whatever you have.



Ambes shoves a four times weakness in his face for his troubles.



Don't be confused, this is a different one than the one she fought just a second before. It was slightly stronger. That's the only difference.



Surprisingly enough, I give this dude a warning despite him being the same

The level difference will really bite you on this one. He has the same moves as the last few Dragons, but the extra oomph might be too much if you didn't grind.



* pictured above - powered by multiple Swords Dances. The result? *







"There's no way for a Dragon to beat a Trainer Knight..."

I didn't know the fantasy movie back in the University was actually foreshadowing.



"I have conferred upon you the title of Knight, because you are a warrior that surpasses even draconic power. Ah! But that is not nearly enough. Take this, too!"

Oh?



"That Technical Machine contains a move that works best when performed by Dragons. Use it wisely. Knight Jack, you are truly an amazing figure. You will be welcome in Fort Draco for as long as you live."

Oh, that just touches my heart right there. That sure is a hell of a way to show off gratitude for everything Jack and the Crew have done.



Oh hey, Birch is calling. I wonder what he wants.



"This guy called Tones has just called me up from Lilycove. The city's been flooded with zombies, led by some weird guys. There's an old man, a man dressed in white and black, and a guy in a suit with blue magic beams!"

: "Gleis and Temulence?!"



: "You know them?"



: "We've crossed swords before..."

"Swords."

: "But that's not all! Jack, Tones said he saw a Swampert there, fighting the zombies!"



: "... So?"


Jack, show more respect for a Pokemon that fights the undead single-handedly.



"That's your brother's signature Pokemon!"

: "Landon!"



: "Exactly! Get to Lilycove as soon as possible!"



: "Right!"



[Jack hangs up]

Things sure are heating up around here, aren't they?



Ace, you are cleared for takeoff.

: ("Roger that!")



Sorry to leave you guys on a cliffhanger, but next time on Pokemon Snakewood we get into some high-stakes action. See you then.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

 (Bellamine, , Level 42, ) - "What did Birch mean by an 'old man'? For some reason, I can't help but shiver the closer we get to Lilycove."
(Ambes, , Level 47, ) - "You're right, miss Bellamine! I'm trembling too! What in the world is going on over there?"
 (Jeanne, , Level 45, ) - "It seems to be the work of some dark power... I can't put my paw on what it might be, but it's powerful. Keep your guard up, everybody."
 (Ace, , Level 40, has Anadrin Talon, /) - [Is currently surveying the land below and notices a flood of undead]
(Ballin, , level 31, /) - "Whoa! So much stuff is happening at once... I can't keep track!"
(Tohru, , Level 46, /) - [cracks knuckles in anticipation]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Reggie, , Level 33, has Leftovers, /) - "Head honcho incoming, ya? Be careful, mon!"
 (Valor, , Level 39, has Plus Band, ) - "Jack's a Knight now. Niiiice."
(Zagon, , Level 33, ) - "The dragons all seem like very nice people."
(Alice, , level 12, ) - "Nya... Even Ballin got a chance to go. I want to go fight zombies too, nya..."
(Krusha, , level 12, /) - [Gets shivers at what might happen]
 (Umbra, , Level 43, ) - "Don't worry, Alice. I'm sure you'll get your chance to bust some heads."
(Pumbloom, , level 14, ) - "Wow! Ballin, be careful! You can do it!" [jumps up and down]
(Helmaroc, , Level 44, /) - "This force... It can't be... Him, can't it?! He can't be here!"
(Benedict, , level 43, /) - "Oooh! Way to go, Jack! I'm rooting for you!"
(Cherry, , level 12, /) - "... What is Helmaroc talking about?"
 (Beatrice, , Level 26, /) -  "This evil sensation...! It's so familiar!"
 (Shine, , level 12, ) - "Ambes is really pulling his weight out there.. Imagine if we never ran into him?"
 (Spark, , level 12, ) - "I know, right? Especially since we lost Big Sis..."
(Alpha, level 50, /) - "LETRO, LOOK AT WHAT HUMANITY HAS WROUGHT WITH THIS DISEASE THAT PLAGUES THE LAND. I DO WHAT I DO TO STOP THE WORLD FROM GETTING WORSE. EVEN THE ONE YOU CALL JACK IS FLAWED."
 (Letro, level 31, /) -  "YOU'RE A PRODUCT OF A FILM UNIVERSITY, RIGHT? YOUR ACTING IS PRETTY GOOD, BUT I'M NOT FALLING FOR ANY OF THIS. YOU JUST WANT BLOOD TO BE SHED. YOU DON'T INTEND ON HELPING ANYBODY, DO YOU? BZZZT!"
 (Juno, , Level 38, ) - "This dark force... I felt this when the undead first came out of their graves. Are we getting closer to the source?"
(Menti, , level 37, /) - "Wh... It's so terrifying... I also feel... more powerful for some reason. Is this an omen...?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alright, we've finally arrived in Lilycove and this place is infested with zombies. Strangely enough, they won't attack you or... do anything, really. Isn't this supposed to be an invasion?

Whatever. Let's just go up the steps.



[A wave of dark energy floods past Jack and the Crew]

: "!!"

: "What the hell was that?!"

: ("This dark power... It's so dense and vile that I can barely move my legs. We need to get rid of the source immediately!")

: ("It reeks of decay. Perhaps this... "old man" is the one that brought the undead here?")

: ("If he's the one sending off this aura, then he's far worse than Gleis or Temulence.")

: "Everything we get ourselves into just winds up taking a turn for the better, doesn't it?"



[Current audio in-game: Heavy Rainfall]

Hey, it's Dantalion. Just what can he pull out to slow down Jack and the crew?

Dantalion: "... I think you know why we are here."

: "You're after me, right? Well, come on then! I'll beat you all, just like I beat the Horsemen!"

Man, Jack really grew a pair after defeating the Horsemen and gaining Meteor's trust. His confidence is just a bit infectious.

Dantalion: "Do you believe in fate, Jack?"

: "What?"



: "Of course... What's the point? Fight me!"

The fact he's willing to throw fisticuffs is proof enough that Jack's had enough of this nonsense.

Dantalion: "How can the flashbacks be real if they showed you a life with Alicia? A life that never existed?"

: "Stop - stop messing with me... They have to be real!"

Dantalion: "Do they? Has anyone told you the truth so far? Even Professor Birch... How can you trust him?"

: "Shut up!"




"All the Horsemen needed to do was put false memories in your brain using that psychic dragon egg, and you're reduced to this..."

: "Just - just shut up!"

Dantalion: "I've given you enough to think of... Goodbye."

[Dantalion enters the building]



... Wow, um. Dantalion has harmed Jack more than any other villain so far and only with successful mind games. No brawling or anything.

I'm interested to see how it goes from here.



Damn it, I can't just cheat my way up the floors. I should also mention that since the way-too-happy Lilycove theme is playing, I believe this song will be more appropriate for what we're going to deal with:

 [The Death I Deservioli] 



MORE GODDAMN DEADLY WHO THE HELL CARES

Oh, wait. They're actually... helping us fight the zombies?! It can't be all that good though. What crazy retort is he going to give us this time?



: "You want ME to help YOU? And why are you so serious now?"

(Mikov): "Now is not the time for explanations, Jack! Travelling upwards here is the Dark Lord of the East, and if he gets to the top, this war against the dead is lost!"

... No way. Now they finally decide to stop being annoying? Why couldn't they have done this earlier?

: "... I'm going to regret this..."

You sure are, sonny jim.



Barbara, huh? What do you have to show to Jack that's so scary?



Okay, that's pretty scary.

See, what Headdoom (uuugh) here used was a move called Bright Idea - it's effectively the Nasty Plot of Snakewood. If she tried to use Fire Pump on anybody that's not Jeanne, there wouldn't even be anything left. 

Prioritize killing Headdoom as fast as possible before she gets Bright Idea off, otherwise you might regret it.



Poliwraith here is a bit less dangerous, but she still has a Dynamic Punch to annihilate you with.

... That Ambes got hit with in practice. It's like the game wants to show these moves off, but I can't allow that because then that would kill the team!



[Mikov goes up the stairs]

Okay, so they've ditched the whole stupid act? What is even going on in this game anymore?

Well, he's not trying to annoy us so that's good.



: "Alright..."

It's like a bizarro-bizarro scenario where everything stops being crazy and returns to some form of sanity.



OH GOOD LORD!

Yuck used Sludge Bomb and I swear to god if this were Gen VI, it would have killed Bellamine outright! Then we'd have a zombie Gardevoir on our hands.

And with Bellamine it would have probably have been a repeat of Winona, and that wouldn't help anybody.



Full Restores are truly a saving grace.



Ambes frying this Azombarill made me think. We should probably get Menti to evolve into one so we'd have our own Azombarill. That'd be neat.



"Thanks. But we need to hurry! I don't know how much longer Asimov can hold That Man off!"

What is That Man going to do that is so harrowing that it requires the Deadly Seven to stop acting like escaped mental convicts?



: "Order?"

(Gunkov): "Explanations later! Let's go!"

[The Battle Zombie below him attacks Jack]




God damn, that was close!

See, this Gorelax used Hyper Beam and nearly wiped Tohru off of the face of the planet. The team is getting into real dire straits with all of these super zombies, because even our type advantage counters are running into serious trouble.



"Karkov! Robotnov! They're in terrible danger!"

Yeah, you do you. I'm gonna go up the stairs at my own pace.



: "Further away than ever, no thanks to you. Now, prepare to be defeated!"

: "Hmph. This afro'd man has knocked out a few of my Pokemon, but Faceleech and I will still triumph easily!"

Faceleech? The Fakemon that everybody on the team can counter just by breathing on it?





Oh yeah, I swapped out Ace for Umbra. I needed the extra muscle from Swords Dance.



Step up your game, Gleis. Nobody's even remotely scared of this thing anymore.



Wait, what?



My little pufferfish has finally grown up!

: ("Whoa! This is awesome! I'm finally able to do something for the Crew! Jack, I can't thank you enough!")

I had put off uploading new updates for a while that I forget some details. This, though, is fantastic.




"This was all just because the man with the afro fainted four of my Pokemon... I must rally some force from the outside!"

Oh yeah, it's not because you're a sore loser or anything, nooo. 



"Whew... Thanks. But the others still need our help! We can't let That Man reach the top!"

Yeah, we need to hurry.



What person in real life goes "fufufu" anyway?

: "You? You aren't half as hard as Gleis. I'll beat your Denjuu again!"

: "Oh, I don't need them anymore. You're right, they were weak - so I went back to my original team of Pokemon!"



[Just replay Super Cool No. 1]

So Temulence was originally a Pokemon trainer? The Denjuu thing was just a phase? Interesting.



Gyarados may as well be a gourmet sushi dish for Ambes.



Bellamine demonstrates why Psychic types trump Fighting.



temulence we need to have a talk

DO YOU REALLY HAVE AN ENTEI

Come on, man. We have to fight all the Legendary Dog/Cat/Whatevers now? I'm not even surprised at this point.



Tohru weathers through the fire and smacks Entei around.



Machamp have always creeped me out. It's the face.



Yeah, run back to your "master". Tell him Jack is coming for him.



"He uses the most violent and destructive ones he can find, it seems. We'd better go. That Man must have almost finished the ceremony by now."

Oh man, we need to split.



Under normal circumstances, this would have prompted a "CUTLERINE!!!!! " but, since they're on my side, I'm cool about this.



"That Man is stronger than all of us combined, even without his Pokemon! You have to hurry!"

Even without his Pokemon? Just what are we dealing with here?!



"The Battle Zombie bursts a can of lemonade between its eyelids. Wow, that's tough. Time to rumble!"

Welcome to the Salty Spittoon, how tough are you?





Not very, by the looks of things. Sorry, pal.



Augh! Just reading that made me flinch. Poor bastard.



If you spell subtle like... god damn it, I've already used the clip before. This is when it would have been the most appropriate too.



I find it hilarious that the Grim Reaper that Zombie Winona used was more dangerous despite being lower leveled, mostly due to the fact that it had Earthquake.



At first I thought this was talking about That Man ahead, but nope.



"This Battle Zombie is being menaced by a dark creature from another world... Best leave her alone."



Enough messing around, though. Let's encounter... That Man.



[Theme I would use for this encounter, as the Kyogre/Groudon battle theme isn't going to cut it: Stealthy Shadow]

(Asimov): "Ah!"

[Asimov vanishes, accompanied by a Rock Smash SFX]


: "Oh! ... At last we meet, Jack."

: "What have you done with Asimov?"



: "You... You killed him?!"

: "If that is what you want to call it."



: "You must be... the one they call the Dark Lord of the East? That Man?"

: "That is correct. My name is Senex, and had the Order of the Afro not interfered, I would have completed the ceremony to summon another thousand zombies. How annoying. Still, you are here, and that is compensation enough."



: "I want your eyes. And I will do anything to get them!"


I know this is referencing a death god of some kind with the whole "stealing eyes" thing, but that's just nasty.



[Theme I would use for the fight against the Senex: Toccata in Blood Soaked Darkness]

Alright, this is it.

Senex is the ultimate villain of Snakewood as a whole. He's the one who organized everything - he is the one who commanded the Horsemen, Gleis and others to bring about the zombie apocalypse. 

Everything that's happened in the game so far can be traced back to him, and he's also the person who started the zombie apocalpyse to begin with thanks to his necromancy powers.

He's gone through multiple aliases: Lord Gravetric, the Dark Lord of the East, That Man, but I assure you that every villain (minus Chloe and the Inquisition) has been working under Senex this entire time. 

I love his sprite and this fight is another favorite - if only just because of the atmosphere that surrounds it.





The first of Senex's Pokemon is this ugly mushroom-looking thing. Despite the stupid look, Turmur is a legendary of all things and replaces Kyogre in the Pokedex. Yes, Senex's entire team consists of legendaries. That's how the game's rolling with the difficulty now, I guess.



Turmur is a pure type, but it's the easiest to defeat out of Senex's set-up. A bit bulky, but that's what Calm Mind is for. Surprisingly enough, if you can be assed to do the chain quest to get Turmur, this thing can breed.

Horrifying.

On top of that, the babies it creates are FACELEECH. Well, there goes my "It's a Deoxys-ified Remoraid" theory.

Moving on.



We meet again, Shaderu!

Yes, you get to fight Shaderu for real this time. (Although it's more fair this time around)

It has a type attack called Pulsar that does a ton of damage, but it brings a valuable question: Why is Shaderu /? It is pretty much Dark in every way but actual typing, and that type makes no sense to begin with. 

Not only that, / has no weaknesses... so I don't know. Again, I'm not Cutlerine. Shaderu's typing makes it vulnerable to , which is just rich.

Future Dan: You're going to regret those words when you get to the next game.



Damn, son!

Shaderu knows Double Edge, so that's why it has a typing. Even with halved attack, it nearly killed Jeanne. Still though.



: ("Begone, foul spirit!")

The very cloak that it uses out of dead children souls just got evaporated by Jeanne's fire. She freakin' purified the thing.

This Ninetales of mine is such a wonderful asset to the team.



Oooh, that's a nice design. Luca Zamon is a / (prototype Kyurem??) legendary that is described as the Goddess of Destruction, but she's not that much harder to defeat than the other two. She can try to freeze you, but if you brought a good Fire, Fighting or Steel type then you should be good.

[Tohru used Rock Smash!]








And with that, we've defeated the master of the zombie apocalypse. It's over...


SUCK IT, OLD MAN!



"Strong enough to beat the Three Dark Legendary Pokemon. Such power befits the bearer of your eyes... Fine! I will leave for now."

He calls them the *Dark* Legendary Pokemon, yet none of them are Dark-type. Fancy th-- wait, what the hell?! He's just leaving? All that hype was for nothing.

[Senex and Temulence teleport away]




"Without you, he would have stayed and completed his ceremony. Then, we would have been flooded with the dead."

: "Adolv, what's going on? Why are you guys so serious?"

(Adolv): "It is our destiny. We are the Order of the Afro, an ancient guild dedicated to the combat of necromancy using the fighting art of Hajike. We were temporarily with the Inquisition because they seemed to be the most effective way of fighting Senex."



Get ready guys.

(Adolv): "It is Hajike: the marital art of fighting with lunacy."

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. That's what it is.

Hajike is another reference to Bobobo. To quote one of our friends: "WOW CUTLERINE WAS A WEEB".

: "... I see."

(Adolv): "Jack, the Dark Lord Senex makes his lair in the fortified town of Sootopolis, in the south. We helped your brother there, but so far he has not returned. We fear the worst."

: "He's... dead?"

(Adolv): "I hope not. But in the case he is, I don't want you to suffer the same fate. Before you challenge him, you ought to challenge the Elite Four and build up your strength. They can be found in Ever Grande City."



(Adolv): "Not a problem. Oh, and take this. You'll need it to get to Ever Grande."



Oh snap, he gave us Dive. Man, this version of the Deadly Seven is cool. Why couldn't we have had these guys the entire game?



And just like that, they're gone. I'm positive the death of Asimov hit them really hard.

All that remains is what to do now for the rest of the episode.



Oh yeah, whatever you do - don't go into the art museum. Since Cutlerine didn't put any more script barriers after the zombies disappeared, you could walk into a part of the game that you're definitely not supposed to be at yet.



Now that all the fighting's done, Ace needs to be our flyboy.



"He's so full of trapped gas that if you poke him, he'll explode. Time for some good old fashioned lootin'!"



Before we leave, there's a guy here that gives you something aside from disgust.



It's just Rest, which is pretty much unchanged from what this guy gives you in normal Ruby.



Hmmm? What's with the two swimmers blocking the area?





THEY'RE ADAPTING TO THE ENVIRONMENT! NOW EVEN THE SEAS AREN'T SAFE!

Seriously though, nothing about this makes sense. I can sort of believe that the zombies get all steroid-y and get slightly more intelligent after a while, but the saltwater thing was one of their biggest weaknesses. 

Why suddenly change that to have an area guardian that could have just been replaced with, I dunno, a horrible smell? I mean, it would be a good hint of what's coming up ahead.

Screw it, I'm outta here.



There is a candy bar stuck in this rock. I just hope it's not ruined by the water.



Oh and Umbra, since we need Ballin for this next part you can go and take a rest.

: ("Right, I'll do just that. I'm done with this insanity for now anyway.")



Now that Ballin has Dive, we are now free to travel underwater. What a time for him to evolve into Qwilshark, too.

: ("How am I breathing?! Okay, I'm not going to question this as long as I can still survive down here.")



This room's a bit of an oddity. See, it takes you from Lilycove (where the dark patch of water was) and warps you all the way up to Ever Grande just like that.



See, wasn't that quick? I mean, wow that's weird. But I guess it's one of the few times where the whole "warping from area to area" thing has actually been in our favor.



"The League is just about safe, but even so, three of the Elite Four have been killed already."

... If Senex did it, then he's more proactive than I thought. Man, please have Phoebe as the surviving member. [crosses fingers]

Future Dan: It would be funny if the Ghost type trainer was the one who survived in a zombie apocalypse story.



Hmmmm. I would tackle Victory Road now, but we're running out of time. This place needs a chapter all to itself.



Now that we're back in Oldale, let's see what changed now that Ace can actually fly Jack around.



"This town is pretty safe. We've a barrier to the south and a guard point to the west. Zombies can't cross running water, so we're also safe from the north and east."

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha

you have no idea how wrong you are, buddy ha ha

We can't get rid of the barricade with the Arclight Spanner, so let's fly into Littleroot directly.



"He'll be dead now, of course. No one survived here. Sob... I don't need this anymore..."



Oh hey, it's that lady from Chapter 3.5. So this is when you actually get the Broken Heart from her. Man, that was such a long time ago.



Back in Dewford, I noted that this patch of water probably holds a superbonus or something. Now that we can go underwater, let's actually go and bother what's down there.



A Rock Smash rock underwater? Well... alright. I don't know what it would be blocking.



"It was a... ROCK LOBSTER!!"

NO



[Theme song for Roclobster: of course]

Roclobster is a / type that's actually very powerful. She's like a legendary in some accounts, due to how high her stats are. Roclobster is also very uncooperative, as it took multiple retries just to catch her.



Even the Pokedex is joining in on the fun.



Since I'm uncreative, let's call her B-52. She might be useful later on.



Cut to Meteor Falls, there's a Moon Stone here. With enough training, Alice can actually become a Delcatty. I mean, at least this means she won't be rotting away in a box anymore.



Oh yeah, here's some Snake Oil for the curious. Given how this is Pokemon Snakewood I... ugh, just cut that. 



Usher's submarine is still here? We can't move the boulders because we don't have Strength, but that's nothing to worry about yet.



We're really moving around this episode, damn. Now let's finally change these names.



: ("Thank you, Jack! Now everybody can stop making those horrible egg jokes!")

: ("Wagner, huh? I'll admit, it's a more impressive name.")

Helmaroc's name change was inspired by the Wagner (pronounced "vaugh-ner") from Odin Sphere. Aka. this guy.



()

: ("Jack, why are we at the Day Care?")

Pause.

: "It's come to mind that there are some members of the crew we have to let go. Since the region is filled with zombies, I can't just release them into the wild. So I figured this would be the best place to put them."

: ("Oh, I see. Who are they?")

: "Cherry and Krusha... I haven't been able to think of anything for them. They've been outclassed by both Beatrice and Chloris, along with the new recruits we keep getting. I feel they'd be safer here than with us, you know?"

: ("That's reasonable. Say goodbye to them before we leave.")



: "Hey... you two. We've had some adventures together, but I think it's time to say goodbye."

: ("Oh... I see. You're leaving us back here?")

: ("I suppose it's just our time. See you, Jack.")

: ("So we weren't enough for you, is that it?")

: "No, it's not like that at all! Well... the world out there is getting more and more dangerous even for us. I feel you'd be safer here than any other place in the world."

: ("... I see. So are we never going to see each other again, Jack?")

: "It's just... We have to deal with the worst the Dark Lord has to offer. If anything happens to the main team then you'll be my back-up."

: ("Okay. See you, Jack...")

: ("Come on, babe.")



[Jack hands the two Pokemon over to the caretaker]

: "I guess this is the best for them."

Future Dan: In hindsight, this entire sequence was also because I couldn't be arsed to think of unique dialogue for them. It, uh... was not very flattering. Granted, it's not like Jack is leaving them here forever.



Wow, our team is looking pretty hefty. We've almost filled out this box.

: "Guys, we're going to be challenging the Elite Four. This is probably going to be one of the biggest fights of our life, so we need to be ready. Who's with me?"

[All the Pokemon in the box cheer]

: "Good. Let's get down to business!"



Next time on Pokemon Snakewood, we go through Victory Road and challenge the Elite Four to boost our morale! See you next time.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Bellamine, , Level 43, ) - "I can't believe we've come so far in our journey."
(Ambes, , Level 47, ) - "You're right, miss Bellamine. We sure have grown since we first met Jack!"
 (Jeanne, , Level 45, ) - "That Dark Lord wasn't even worthy of my flames. Hmph!"
 (Ace, , Level 40, has Anadrin Talon, /) -"Hey, Valor! Ready to bust some heads together?"
 (Valor, , Level 41, has Plus Band, ) - "Hell yeah! Also, way to stick it to that crusty old Senex. I wish I could have been there."
(Tohru, , Level 46, /) - [meditates for the fight ahead]

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Reggie, , Level 33, has Leftovers, /) - "The Elite Four, ya? Let's see how 'elite' they actually are."
(Zagon, , Level 33, ) - "Wow, I'm so excited! We're really going places today!"
(Alice, , level 12, ) - "D-did Jack find a Moon Stone? And he plans to give it to me? Wow, that's so sweet, nya!"
 (Umbra, , Level 43, ) - "Senex... he sounds familiar, but why?"
(Ballin, , level 36, /) - "MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVOLVED THIS IS GREAT!"
(Pumbloom, , level 14, ) - [is in awe of Ballin's new form]
(Wagner, , Level 44, /) - "The fact Jack went up against Master Senex and survived, much less defeated him, is proof enough that he is a great man. I vow my undying loyalty to him."
 (Chloris, , level 43, /) - "I hope we get to meet Cherry and Krusha again. They were nice."
 (Beatrice, , Level 26, /) -  "Was it because of me that they got benched?"
 (Shine, , level 12, ) - "Wow... Ambes and his friends defeated the Dark Lord! Jack sure isn't a normal guy!"
 (Spark, , level 12, ) - "That's putting it lightly, sis."
(Alpha, level 50, /) - "DAMN IT, I WAS ROOTING FOR THE OLD MAN. HE WAS A MAN AFTER MY OWN COLD, METAL HEART."
 (Letro, level 31, /) -  "OH, WHAT A SHAME. WE CAN'T HAVE EVERYTHING WE WANT, NOW CAN WE, ALPHA?"
 (Juno, , Level 38, ) - "Oh man, I want to be a Banette so I can join in on the fun! This is getting really intense!"
(Menti, , level 37, /) - "So that man... was the reason I'm still alive like this? That explains why I felt less powerful when he disappeared. I want to help Jack too..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

We've made it to Victory Road at last. However, since we're here...



I should take the time to mention that these levels are not the result of hours of grinding but instead bolstered by Rare Candy abuse and I am not ashamed to admit so. (the training is the in-universe explanation, cause stuffing the Crew with Rare Candies would be nasty).

See, the Elite Four in Snakewood are so nightmarishly powerful that I had to do this to even get a fighting chance. I'm talking mid/late-sixties while you're barely scratching level 50. 

As a certain Pokemon Challenges youtuber would say: "Grinding is cringe."



Yeah, don't even bother. The only person getting there today is Jack and the Crew, and even then they're just barely suited to the task. One Zangol won't be able to save you, lady.



Jeanne helps Valor out by letting him get the kill on Zangol here... and as such will allow him to become one himself. 



Oh yeah, at level 55 Zangoose can learn Shadow Swipe. It was originally False Swipe, but made much more lethal... and spooky, considering it's a type move.





: ("Awww yeah. I even got a sword out of nowhere!  This is so badass!")

Zangoose needs an actual evolution like this.  Sure, normal Zangoose is fine enough with his godlike Toxic Boost Facade, but imagine the possibilities.



Thankfully, the boulders are moved out of the way since you wouldn't have Strength at this point. I bet these kinds of maps are the kind Cutlerine liked the most - seeing as they take the least amount of effort to edit.



Oh, and because there's a bunch of rocks in the way, Umbra trades out Slash for Rock Smash. Trust me, this becomes a lynchpin far later into the episode.



Full Restores can just be bought. This isn't that special - if you put a Caramac (PP boost) or something else here, that'd be a better reward.



Also, there was this dude. His gimmick is that he doesn't speak and just resorts to ellipses.



Valor, in his new form, dispatches Edward Nygma Jr.'s Pokemon here in short order. Each one didn't even take a second to beat.



"I found this in the chest of a young woman from Fortree... I fear she no longer needs it."

What?





So this means that all the Broken Hearts we have are actual bleeding organs taken from dead people. That's super gruesome!

Also, 8 out of 50.



???????



F-fish girl?!

I can't even explain this one in a way that would be plausible, considering that this has nothing to do with zombies or demons or anything we've seen so far. Hell, even Trolls are more likely than Fishgirl here.



Her only Pokemon is this Swampert that pretty much exists to ruin my day.



It took a tag-team by Valor and Jeanne to finally take the Swampert down. In hindsight, bringing a good Grass type would have solved this problem instantly but I don't really have the time for that.

Future Dan: [laughs derisively at past self for not getting Beatrice]



You can get some phat lewt over here.



But now you are a spook.



So let's just beat her up!



This is probably how everybody feels when Snakewood got to this point.



What could be here? It's one way only, so it's probably good.



I hate this.



Sigh. Thanks to the miraculous power of ~savestates~, I'm back in Victory Road to claim this Elixir.



Generic fire person retort. Yawn.



To think, without Ballin, this would have been a nightmare of a fight. When he is here though? TSUNAMI!



Snake Oil is nice, but seriously. Why not give us items that we couldn't buy, at least?



I would transcribe the rest of this dialogue, but him yelling out "NINJA!" is hilarious enough for me.



Poor Weavile. You're such a cool Pokemon, yet we never grab one in this hack.



Oh, and Sableye. They're cool too, but this isn't Gen VI so I can't get their Mega forms. Awww.



Nah. Even if the team wasn't boosted up to level 57+, that wouldn't have been hard in the slightest.



... [snickering]

Good luck, man.



Zangol is / and can learn Brick Break. It may as well be called Bone Break when it comes to these Persians because ow!



Crawdaunt is one of those Pokemon that I always forget existed. And not really for good reason, either. I like its design.



It's just Psychic. The only person that can learn this is Bellamine... who has already learned it naturally. Less space in the TM section, I suppose.



If someone would like to point out the reference with this, that'd be dandy.



He had a Starmie that survived two of Valor's Shadow Swipes, but aside from that display of fortitude, nothing special.



You know, when I started this adventure, I didn't expect to find a guy with a Jamaican accent to fit my Rasta Parasect.

But what's this?



Temulence is back to settle the score!

"You! Yes, you, child! I won't let you get away with what you did at the Department Store! I'm going to kill you!"

: "Bring it. I'l beat you again."

Jack just embraces that he's a boss. I love it.

: "I hate your arrogance!"

^ Coming from one of the pricks that always claim to be able to defeat Jack easily, this line is priceless.



[Just replay Super Cool No. 1 again.]

Functionally speaking, Temulence is no different than before aside from having higher levels. Regardless, the higher level boost might bite you in the ass if you didn't grind a bit.



It has to be absolutely embarrassing for a giant sea serpent to get completely destroyed by an electric rodent that's about a fourth of his size.



[Bellamine dusts off her dress]

: ("Are you finished?")

Graceful as ever. Even if she wasn't powered up, this would still end the same way.



Who would have thought that a little nerdy pufferfish (yes, that's how I've pictured him this entire venture) would have grown up into a Pokemon that would make even Gyarados cry?



: ("Entei, you'll regret ever serving this guy! I'll drown you out!")


I'm so proud.



"You haven't heard the last of me!"

We actually do see him later. I originally thought we didn't.



For now, though... We have a greater challenge ahead of us.



Pictured above: Greater challenge.



Seriously though, this guy sells you stuff. I need to look into what these do (the Miner TM says it has to be "unlocked" first), but for now I'm not going to buy what he has.



"It used to be that beyond this point, only the Trainers with all eight Gym Badges could pass... But really, everybody who makes it here is so strong now because of all the zombies... Look, you've got six of eight badges, and something that proclaims you to be a certified Knight. I'm thinking that's good enough, yeah?"

This is probably the most sensible thing that's happened in the past few updates.



"Reach for the sky, defeat the Elite Four and all that stuff! Go forth and conquer!"

Excellent.

: "Oh man, this is pretty... intense." [Heart pounds against chest]



This is our first challenge. Some green-haired chick that replaces Sidney.



"I'm Caitlin, and I'm going to be beating you up!"

Fun fact, in the original text, she said "I'm going to be beating up up!". I found it kind of funny.



[Theme I would use for all Elite Four minus the last one: Playing with Psychos]

Alright, here comes the gauntlet of torture. Caitlin looks pretty good even if her ponytail looks like a stalk of seaweed. She's a -based Trainer, despite looking like with the swimsuit. (Then again, Phoebe was and she was dressed up as a hula girl, so...)



Standard procedure for the first two fights...



Until this party pooper comes along and nearly kills Bellamine in one swipe!
 
Kenchukuo are my most hated Pokemon in this part of the game, mostly due to the fact that they're so blistering and they tend to outspeed you. The fact it looks like a demonic Gardevoir doesn't help it any.



This one may have gone down in one hit thanks to Bella's wonderful 190+ Special Attack stat, but I assure you: There are more of these things.



Oh, and a completely unthreatening Machamp was here.



Since I don't want Bellamine to hog all the glory for the -type Elite Four, Jeanne gets the final hit.



I still don't jive that Jack is supposed to be 16 in this game. He should be like... 20 or something at least.



At the very least, Caitlin is graceful towards her loss. If she were a real Elite Four, she'd probably be cool.



This is not Sidney even though they look pretty similar.



"In Sweden, we have a very good understanding of what makes a good fight scene, especially for cops. These Flying Pokemon are good at that too!"



A Swedish action movie cop that works as one of the new Hoenn Elite Four as the guy. Next you'll probably tell me he writes his own one-liners.



Benny's first Pokemon is this Tropius that tries to put you to sleep. Ambes had none of that and went straight into decking her in the face.



Oh, god damn it. Level 60 already...

See, the three level difference from the last one is enough to make this guy (girl?) into a nightmare as Kenchukuo's game is speed. This one knows Earthquake, so Kenchukuo would just murder Jeanne before she can do anything.



Thankfully, Bellamine can stand up to an Earthquake and -- wait a god damn second. Look at Kenchukuo's health.

She survived with literally 1% health left?!

You've got to be shitting me.



Thankfully, the A.I is dumb in that it likes to spam Full Restores when their mon's health is in the red. It's a sigh of relief because it gives me a free attack.



Ambes shoots down a Swellow who is nowhere near as cool as Ace. Fun part, he didn't even try to. He just sneezed and she was gone.



There was an Altaria before this (the screenshot got overwritten because I wasn't paying attention to the keyboard) that unfortunately got Ambes because I didn't have the Bright Idea to use a healing item on him, hence why Bella is landing the final blow on this sucker.



Unfortunately not. You'd be a great actor at the Film University, though.



"You are very good, to beat a trained Swedish Policeman. I think you can go far!"

I find it hilarious that when the game is easy, it's pissing me off with annoying characters and dumb story. When the game is hard, the characters are more likable and the plot is less silly. How does that make sense?



You okay there, buddy?

: ("Sorta, yeah. I'll just... rest a bit before we have to fight again.")



If you hadn't guessed yet, Glacia is the only surviving member of the old Elite Four. Which means that poor Phoebe was eaten. My heart heaves.

(oh and sidney and drake, that sucks too)



"I am Glacia. I came here from far away, but ended up staying. I was too strong for the zombies to get. Let's see if you're any good."

This brings up a giant question. Why is Glacia the only one to survive? I mean, the other three weren't half bad as trainers. They're called the Elite Four for a reason.

Future Dan: Ice burn is extremely damaging to dead meat, which is what zombies are. Senex is Dark, which makes Sidney and Phoebe easy pickings.



I like the redesign she got in ORAS, though. It fit her "ice queen" theme a lot more than her "I'm from the Alps" clothing in Gen 3.



Glalie wasn't that special aside from taking two Flamethrowers to the face before she finally gave up. Then again, Jeanne was going easy.



Walrein gets punched to submission by Valor, and probably got German Suplexed in the process.



Oh, that wacky Weavile.



: ("Oh my god, I think I see what everybody else is talking about!")

Damn it, he caught on.



You know, despite Articuno being a graceful blue bird that represents Ice... Ambes is still gonna roast her like a chicken.








"Your spirit burns with fiery passion. How can ice stand against such flame?"

All in all, aside from Weavile, Glacia is actually the most normal (and the easiest) of the Snakewood Elite Four. Then again, she's the only person who's an actual character from the games.



Indigo? He must be a big hot shot, then.



Well, uh... he doesn't need legs to fight, it seems.



"I am Indigo, the Thunder King. With the power of the sky, I'll strike you down!"


Oh? Well, come on then!



[Theme I would use for Indigo: Surge of Power]

Yes, he's cool enough to have his own theme. He's probably the coolest human sprite edit in the game yet, and he takes full advantage of that title with all of his Pokemon.

Also, what is he? Is he some kind of Mortal Kombat Raiden-esque thunder god?



His first Pokemon was a Luxray that nearly killed Jeanne in one hit with Earthquake, but Confuse and Burn managed to take them down easily enough.



[Valor used Slash!]





: ("Eh. He should be alright... Can't say the same for myself, though... oof.")



rude... crude dudes alert

That's... that's really a level 67 Zapdos. You're killing me here, Cutlerine.

: ("In my eyes, even the mightiest among you looks no stronger than an infant. You still mean to charge at me and Indigo head on?")

: ("I... I have to! We have to prove our strength by defeating you! We need to build our strength up to defeat the Dark Lord!")

: ("Very well then. I praise your bravery even if it might cost you your life, young warrior.")

Thanks to Ambes's typing, Zapdos can't just murder him instantly... but this still took me a while to finish. He's a really hardy bastard, not helped at all by the Full Restores that Indigo keeps using.

Still though, in the context of what's happening, Ambes (A regular Raichu that we originally picked up as a level 6 Pikachu back in Petalburg Woods) is fighting the legendary bird of and is standing his ground despite being ten levels lower than him.

That, my friends, takes some massive cojones.

(If this were Gen 6+ and Ambes had Lightning Rod though, this would be hilariously one-sided for Zapdos.)

[Ambes used Ice Punch!]









: ("... Urgh! Well done, young warrior. You just may have what it takes... to save this world.")

: ("We've made it this far for a reason.")

(I know this is dramatic and all, but aren't these guys as strong as Jack and the Crew? If not more so? Why do we have to do it ourselves? Whatever.)



Ampharos here is pretty annoying. He likes to paralyze you and wail on you with Thunder Punch. Unfortunately, Umbra doesn't survive his assault.



Oh, and he likes to be a tool and keep 1 HP thanks to his Chaos of Oden (Focus Band). This happened twice, despite the fact that the Focus Band is only able to protect you 10% of the time. Just my rotten luck, I suppose.



Bellamine manages to put him down, thankfully. I don't know how much my temper would have held out if the Chaos of Oden/Focus Band managed to save him three times.



Oh hey, another Gen 5 Pokemon. Not that it matters though, cause Zebstrika is pretty easy.



Don't let the red health fool you, Valor managed to take 'em down without much hassle.



The Martial Art of Not Dying? Thanks, I practice it a lot! 



"Now go on to the next room."

Indigo is playing too cool for school.



Just a reminder, guys. This is a team that was bolstered from mid 40s to high 50s through a Rare Candy cheat... and we still got our asses whupped five ways to Sunday.

Like hot damn. (Seriously, go look at the team-setup of the last episode to see how much they increased)

Yes, you really are supposed to grind over twenty levels (if not more) just to make the Elite Four comfortable. The level increase is so steep and punishing that I've seen a ton of people give up before they even reach the Champion! It's that bad.

It's as if Cutlerine really didn't want people to finish (or enjoy) Snakewood the more he worked on it. (Or he's just bad at game design because he's an edgy sixteen year old?)



Thanks to Jack's endless source of Full Restores and a Revive, the team is back in ass-kicking order. Let's finish this.



: "This is it... the Champion. Can't turn back now."



[Current audio in-game: Pre-Champion theme]

I love this pre-Champion theme. It emphasizes that you're at the end of your journey and you're about to face the biggest fight of your life.  It's only second to Cynthia's pre-battle theme, though.

"Hum, hum, hum... Oh, you want to fight me? That can be arranged. Shall we, then?"

Short and sweet, just how I like it.



[Theme I would use for this fight: My Comrade]

Oh, what the f-- it's literally Tower Tycoon Palmer with a different name and title! His sprite isn't even edited! How shameless can you get, Cutlerine? (don't answer that)

Despite the... originality, he's actually one of the hardest fights in the game.

Future Dan: Wow. Past!Dan was actually spoiled when it came to character design.



Hitmontop can't do anything to Bellamine, so I took this time to charge up with a Calm Mind.



It was worth it. I wish I could have gotten a Hitmontop for myself in Gen VI just to clear out the National Dex.



God damn, this thing is nearly level 70! How are you supposed to do this again?



Despite the intimidation factor, all Bouffalant does is use Swords Dance and leave himself wide open for Valor's Brick Break.



Ramshaker is one of the most annoying Pokemon in the entire hack and this fight shows it at its worst. Ramshaker has Bright Idea, so the thing will erase you from existence if you give it a chance.



Yes, you are reading that correctly. I used an Elixir to restore Jeanne's Flamethrower. This fight got so bad that I had to resort to using the "too good to use club" items.



Once again, Valor steps in to save the day. That's my boy.





A level 73 Kingmadio?! It was bad enough with the one that was just level 1! Why must we live in a world where this thing exists?

See, here's the thing. This Kingmadio can do either two things: Splash or Toxic. Jeanne thankfully has two options to kill it (Confuse Ray and Burn), so she won't be running out of moves any time soon. (Toxic is also a move that Kingmadio cannot learn without cheating so way to go, Cutlerine)

There's just one problem, though. Mr. Super-Original likes to spam Full Restores on Kingmadio whenever he gets into the red, completely undoing whatever damage you did and possibly screwing you over. 

You could claim the first Kingmadio was just an eccentric mistake, but this one is just pure evil.



By some divine blessing, Jeanne managed to exorcise Kingmadio without the Champion healing it up. That should be the last Kingmadio we ever have to fight, so I'm infinitely thankful.



... What the hell is that.

Believe it or not, that's what Cinderco (you know, the little grenade bird) evolves into if you give it a Leaf Stone. It's a / orange monster with Voltorb's eyes that's just... wow, I don't think the stupidity behind this thing can be summarized better than with a little song.

Everybody sing it with me now:

♪~WHAT IS THIS HORSE****, WHY IS IT A THING~♪





aaaaAAAAH IT HAS A SIGNATURE MOVE!



... Oh. Well, that's not so bad. It lowers your Attack if you get hit by it though, which makes Valor less feasible for this fight.



Ballin eats the freakin' thing after dipping it in water. Can we move on, please?



Oh, would you look at that? Another Roclobster! And since he has legendary stats, he can easily rip apart the entire team!



Umbra used Rock Smash to lower Roclobster's defense offscreen. He was beaten into submission as a result, so Valor's here to take the revenge blow.

[Valor used Brick Break!]







That gif is how I feel about Snakewood in general, actually. But hey, we beat the Elite Four and the Champion!





I know, right?



"Oho, congratulations! It's been a long time since anyone other than Steven Stone beat me!"

No wonder, given the absolute spaghetti sauce Pokemon you use. Where's Steven now, actually?



"Amazing, isn't it."

... Oh, he's just there. He's like one of the few people that didn't get eaten or killed as the game progressed.



"My Bronzong tells me that there's a disturbance in your mind. Oh well, I suppose that's your business. Don't mind me - I just like to look in on those who beat the Champion."

... That's... disconcerting.



"Oh wait, you've got a Pokedex now, Jack! I'll rate it for you!"

Birch is here too? Oh man, this conversation would have turned awkward fast if he realized this was May's Pokedex.

: "Hmhm... So you've seen 160 Pokemon and caught 34 Pokemon..."

Like it really matters in the world we live in anymore? What really matters is a group that's dependable, not a collectathon.



"That's good. I never got a Pokedex. I just wrote it all down on the back of Prof. Elm's balding head."

Nobody cares, Mr. Super Original. 

That said, that does make for a humorous mental image. 



Now this I do care about. Lead me there, crazy man.



"Hey, guys. Only Jack and I can go past here. Steven, you're not the Champion anymore, you know?"

Steven: "Naturally. We'll wait, right, Birch?"




"This is some kind of room where some famous people are remembered... Eh, ask Steven about it. I'm just gonna register you."

I've always liked the look of this room. Where did this guy come from, though? Just out of the ether like the rest of the crazy people?



We finally managed to get this far. I'm impressed, to say the least.



: ("Aw, hell yeah! Needed an ego boost right before the real final battle.")


: ("Congratulations, everyone! We should be ready for anything now.")


: ("I'll admit, I could get used to this kind of admiration.")


: ("I never thought I would even be... here, you know? Glad to see y'all believe in me.")

: ("Man, if only Big Sis could see me now!")


: ("I'm not usually fond of this kind of attention but I'm glad I could help.")



: "Sweet! Let's celebrate, guys! Tomorrow, we're going to seal the Dark Lord's demise!"



[Current audio in-game: Credits]

Well, that's the end. (I guess?)

Now we just have to watch the credits roll with Not Jack Landon riding through the landscape. Granted, I'll give Cutlerine slack for not being able to change the Credits considering it's fully animated.



[Various images of The Crew show up]

If this were a Nuzlocke and I lost some of these guys, this part of the credits would have been more heartwrenching than it needed to be.



... You know, in the context of Snakewood's "story", Landon and May might actually be fleeing from Senex's forces in this ending. Then again, that's giving the game way too much credit.



Well, that's the end of Snakewood's first half.

The game isn't done yet - in fact, this is where it truly begins. 

See you next time on Let's Play Pokemon Snakewood where we tackle the "postgame" and get a real conclusion!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Bellamine, , Level 58, ) - "Jack, are you drinking again?!"
 (Ambes, , Level 58, ) - "Yeah! Me and that Zapdos had a hell of a time - we kept countering each other's moves, but Ice Punch let me come out on top!"
 (Jeanne, , Level 58, ) - "Hmmhmm~ Valor was a knight in shining armor. I adore how he always helped me when we got cornered."
 (Valor, , Level 58, has Plus Band, /) - "We sure whipped them good. I have no idea what was up with the weird fire orange, though."
 (Umbra, , Level 57, ) - [senses a malicious force on the horizon]
(Ballin, , level 58, /) -[is telling a story to the others]


-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Reggie, , Level 33, has Leftovers, /) - "Eyyyyyyyy! Congrats, you guys! We need to party 'till we drop!"
(Zagon, , Level 33, ) - "I... wouldn't recommend that, Reggie? I mean, Jack and them still need to be able to fight the Dark Lord..."
(Alice, , level 12, ) - "Nyahahaha! You guys were awesome! I'll always feel safe with you guys around!"
 (Ace, , Level 40, has Anadrin Talon, /) - "Valor is a man after my own heart."
(Tohru, , Level 46, /) - "Hwahahaha! Welcome back, champion!" [pats Jack on the shoulder hard enough to topple him over]
(Pumbloom, , level 14, ) - "You're the best, Ballin!"
(Wagner, , Level 44, /) - "... I don't quite understand why we're celebrating while there's more danger ahead. Hmm... Well, the challenge they faced was great. So I'll let them bask in the glory."
 (Chloris, , level 43, /) - [is dressed up in a tiny cheerleader's outfit with Beatrice and Juno]
 (Beatrice, , Level 26, /) - [cheers for Jack and the active Crew]
 (Shine, , level 12, ) - "Ambes, you're incredible! Ivory would be so proud of you!"
 (Spark, , level 12, ) - "I know, right? I'll admit, I was kinda scared at first, but he really took charge."
(Alpha, level 50, /) - "... FEH. IF I WERE ORGANIC, THIS IS WHERE I WOULD VOMIT. SO SACCHARINE... ALTHOUGH THE DINOSAUR HAS A POINT. ISN'T THERE MORE DANGER AHEAD?"
 (Letro, level 31, /) -  "LET THE ELITE FOUR HANDLE IT. THEY'RE CLEARLY STRONG ENOUGH TO PROTECT THE PLACE WHILE WE REST."
 (Juno, , Level 38, ) - [is cheerleading with Beatrice and Chloris]
(Menti, , level 37, /) - "... Everybody sounds so happy outside. I wish I could join the fun too...!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

[You know the drill: Morning Sunlight]

: ("Good morning, Jack! How did you sleep?")

[Bellamine opens the curtains and lets in sunlight]



[Jack grumbles as the rays of light hit his face]

: "Agh... my head..."

: ("See what I told you about drinking?")

: "Yes, mom. Anyway... we should probably get going. We still have to take down Senex."

: ("Oh yeah that's right, we still have to slay the dark lord. That's a nice thing to wake up to, isn't it?")

Before you get any impressions, no we're not suddenly back in a magically fixed Littleroot.



"Through here is the spare room, where Trainers who have beaten the leaguemasters can enjoy a well-deserved night's rest."

Very nice considering the hell that was the Snakewood Elite Four. That said, if you thought the Snakewood Elite Four was bad, it gets worse from here.

I've also learned that the only way to get back to Fort Draco is to use the one-way exit back in Victory Road, which is actually a brilliant idea due to the limitations he put in place.

See, for some inexplicable reason, you aren't allowed to fly to certain places such as Mossdeep, Mauville, and so on. I was afraid that Cutlerine may have screwed over the players that hadn't finished collecting everything that was there, such as the Tower I never went into for some reason. Thankfully, that's not the case.



Surprisingly enough, the post-game of Snakewood is very Chrono Trigger-esque regarding the things we can tackle! (Which is a high mark coming from me, by the way.) 

There's a ton of sidequests that have opened up now that we have access to Fly, although I'm not sure if it's really just Cutlerine not stopping the player from reaching said areas before they're meant to.

The postgame of Snakewood is as meaty as the regular game, given all the clues of phat lewt that've been scattered around this playthrough. Honestly, it's kind of a Big Deal given that this is a rom hack.



And another thing - oh wait, the Plot Guide is calling.



: "Hey! Did you find the Swampert?"

: "No, there wasn't one. Tones was a drunkard and probably just saw a fish or something. I did find out where Landon and May are, though."

: "Really?! Excellent. Where?"




"Sootopolis City, the lair of Senex - the guy behind this zombie invasion. Some kind of necromancer, I think."

Jack, what are you talking about? You know he's a necromancer - oh whatever.

: "Sootopolis, you say? That's an island... So, there must be a tunnel linking it to the mainland, since zombies can't go over running water."

See, even the game is denouncing the two swimming zombies. I knew they were just one-off NPCs. Thank god too, because I would have had a migraine trying to figure out how it worked.

: "I get it... Look for a tunnel in Lilycove, right?"

: "Right!"

: "You know, that's the first really good idea you've had so far, Birch. See ya!"

Claps for Jack finally getting a burn on that salty old professor. 

: "Um... Thanks? Bye."



Let me just break out the good ol' Ace Express and...



We're here. I would just head straight to the tunnel, but there's some incompetence I have to show off.



If you decide to go back into the Department Store for some inexplicable reason, you'll find out that the Deadly Seven and the zombies are all back and sporting all of the dialogue they had back at the Department Store Siege.

So, because Cutlerine got super lazy at this point of the game, it's very possible to walk into a goddamn time-loop of all things.

This should also be a good indication of the postgame's stability.



But let's not dwell on that and just go into the tunnel.



.... is that

: [Makes a gagging sound]




"What are we surfing in...? Ugh, we need to get out of this stuff and onto land quick!"

HOLY GARBAGE DISPOSAL, BATMAN!

(Seriously though, I like how the surfing water is actually changed to be brown for this. It's a nice touch... if beyond disgusting)




[Current audio in-game: Th-the Sealed Chamber theme?!?]

WHAT?!



Why does such a mystical and mysterious song get used for a godforsaken sewer of all places? Did Cutlerine want the poop nuggets to be seen as long lost world treasures or something?



: ("Honestly, I should be glad I'm part Poison type. I can't imagine how it would have been if Tohru or Zagon did this, so I'm glad I'm here instead.")

Jack is still a good audience surrogate character. Break out your confidence pills, boys - you're going to need them.



These Rock Smash rocks become much more horrifying in the context of where we are.



: "I could, but Ballin only fits one person!"

^ He's definitely lying because Qwilshark are, on average, 21 feet tall.



Stay classy, Cutlerine. 





You'd think that brutalizing other people's Pokemon without remorse would get to Jack and Crew after a while, if only for a bit. But then again, if they were truly innocent, they wouldn't try to attack the Crew when they're "asking" for help.



: "Them?"

Mary-Sue: "Oh, you'll see them if you keep going. The people who've been lost down here for too long. The crazy folk."

So why is she called Mary-Sue if the purpose of her existence is to give us helpful advice?



Okay, Cutlerine has to be teasing me now because this is the third buyable item that's just been lying around. Like come on, dude.



: "Okay, I have a few Chikuwa if you w-- hey, what's the deal?!"



To think if she had held off of stealing from Jack, this would have been much easier for her.



"There's something in the air here - it's like we're breathing in rotten determination and false hopes."

That, or the fact everyone's lunch is dumped down here. Because 



"Abandon all hope, ye who play Pokemon Snakewood" should be a sign somewhere around here. Nice depression beard, though.



I can understand the Elite Four - the top tier "don't mess with me" Trainers of the entire region - having Pokemon with really high levels. A random person in the middle of nowhere, on the other hand, should not be this strong.

It's a common video game trope to have all of the weak guys at the start of the journey while all of the world destroyers are at the end, but this is one of those times where it doesn't make sense.



Okay, no. If this were the Madio Caves or the Inquisition Base back on the Island of Calm, then these lines would have more merit. In those places, it's understandable to get lost because they actively try to mess with your sense of direction and intentionally mislead you. 

The Lilycove Sewer, on the other hand, is the most straightforward dungeon in the game and by far the easiest level design-wise.

: "... How are you not able to get out of here? The entrance is a few strokes away!"

Manfred: "Don't judge me for not wanting to waft through other people's waste, son."



: "Well, alright man - oh come on, you too?!"



A-AL CAPONE?! As in 1930-40s crimelord Al Capone? That definitely explains why he would be hostile towards Jack, but still!



Valor shows his boys why you don't mess with Jack, though.



"Will you answer it?"

Given how we already have an Annoying Plot Professor, I can understand why Jack is hesitant on answering. But what the hell, let's go for it.



Mystery Caller: "I've got a mission for you. Can you accept it?"

: "Um, what is it?"

Mystery Caller: "Accept and I'll tell you."

: "Fine, I accept. What is it?"



"A long time ago, I lost a certain item when the ship I was travelling on was wrecked in a storm. I need you to obtain that item for me."

: "Where is it? What is it?"

Mystery Caller: "It's about the size of a football and shaped like a rounded cone, made of stone. You can find it in the ship wreck, where'd you think?"

: "Where should I take it?"

Mystery Caller: "I'll wait somewhere in the Sewers."

[He hangs up]



You're telling me. I don't really care though, because that means I get to notch this onto the sidequest list!

• Go to the abandoned ship and get the mystery caller's item (The sharks will no longer laser us with their laser eyes)
  
• Collect all fifty Broken Hearts (8 out of 50)
  
• Get Strength to move the boulders
  

This will be added to the end of each update with the team set-up just so I won't forget.



I'll give Cutlerine one thing - when he's not making them infuriating on purpose, the brand new areas he makes are actually pretty good! He's up there with Tite Kubo (the creator of the Bleach) when it comes to trolling creators.



If your name is Dirthugger and you're swimming through human refuse, then that just demonstrates itself, doesn't it.



Again, Ambes doesn't even try and just sneezes his opponent to death despite being eleven levels lo - oh my god, look at the level. Nice.



I can definitely agree on this.



"The Inquisition's Five Ninja are hidden around Hoenn... There's a reward for finding them all!" - the Cutlerine."

... So Cutlerine himself is a character in the game? Okay, whatever, I'm not gong to question this for the sake of whatever sanity I have left and just add it to the Sidequest List.

• Has a Wailord and Qwilshark
  
• Neither know Surf despite being Water Pokemon that are clearly large enough to ferry multiple people around
  
• Is able to fit Wailord in this narrow-ass space
  

Madam, how do you function?



Translation: "You're going to have a disgusting time."



Oh hey, a crate that holds an infinite amount of Super Potions! I haven't seen those in a long time, but at this point it's really just an emergency back up if you manage to waste all of your Full Restores and Hyper Potions.



: [Gargles as he slides down the rotten waterfall]

: "This is, without a doubt, the worst idea Birch has had yet."



Oh hey, there's more people. I wonder what they have to say.



"Is this what Mary Sue meant by Them?"

What.



Oh boy, more Fish Girls! I still stand by what I said regarding them not making any sense. They're not even "crazy" by the standards of the game, given all of the other things we've seen so far.



Gardevoirs will dominate everything no matter how low-leveled they are.



Swampert, on the other hand, will be today's pacebreaker. Earthquake from this guy is enough to murder everybody, so please don't do what I'm doing and bring a Grass type anything to get rid of this dude.



Thankfully for me, a well-timed Slash critical guts the Swampert and removes him from play.



"Is this where she came from?"

You know, that raises a good question. Why was she all the way at Victory Road?



However, since this Fish Girl isn't one of the cool kids that have Swampert, she gets washed away almost immediately.



In hindsight, I could have skipped this part and saved myself a lot of pain. But again, any experience is good experience.



A one-way waterfall later, and we're stuck here. This is the point of no return for the sewer, but this is also the end of it. Yeah, it didn't take that long.



The game tries to pull out some obscure reference, the usual.



Right, see. To proceed, we have to find the switch that opens one of these waterfalls.



If you were me in this situation, you would have been going almost immediately.



Thankfully though, it's much simpler than it appears. You only have to press one switch, and picking a bad one won't reset your progress, so it's not like Lt. Surge's Gym from Gen 1 (thank god).

I don't understand how Snakewood's difficulty works. Sometimes it's soul crushingly difficult to the point where people have been driven off from finishing the game... while other times it's easier than vanilla. Like...



With that out of the way though, let's proceed.



... Into another damn teleporter maze.

Honestly though, this one isn't that bad either. You just have to keep going into them until you make it out through the right one.



See, it's not so bad.



There's even medical kit here for some reason. Very much appreciated, game.



"This is the end of the sewer network. Beyond this door... is Senex. My destiny awaits."

Alright guys, this is pretty intense. Let's get this over with!



[Current audio in-game: Mt. Pyre Peak]

: "Hmph. Very droll. As you have no doubt guessed, this is a trap. The lever that would have turned off the other waterfall, the one that would have lead to Sootopolis, was broken by us."

: "Oh, great idea, Birch..."

You can just feel the resentment Jack has for going along with Birch's half-baked plans.



: "Oh, nothing. I was just cursing the guy whose idea it was for me to come here via the sew - BYE NOW!"



Oh, that wacky Jacky.



"Quickly, Temulence, return to Sootopolis and seal the other exit! I'll go after him myself!"

[Temulence and the zombie disappear in a fade to black transition]



... I don't like where this is going.



You know, give Jack some credit. He at least decides to hide here instead of staying out in the open like an idiot.



"You can't go any further, can you?"

(Mutters): "Like hell I can't!"



[Theme I would use for this scene: The Guardian]

... This is surprisingly disturbing for what it is.



: "If you think you can win, why not give it a shot?"

: ("His eyes... they've gone black. I don't think he means a Pokemon battle... I think he means magic. Time to run!")



: "The Taoist is one with the Tao, which is everywhere. Thus, I am everywhere. No matter where you go."

: "G-gah!"

Not to undermine the severity of the scene, but this is so stupid. If Gleis could have done this at any time, why not do it sooner? That, and why did we need to rescue his sorry ass from the Inquisition base if he could have just teleported out with "the power of the Tao" like he says here? 

My only explanation is that Senex must have made him stronger, because this doesn't make any sense otherwise.



: "You don't listen, do you? Arrogant child. Do you seriously think you ever stood a chance? We have been toying with you so far. The battles of real life are not fought with Pokemon, but within men's hearts and souls. And I can crush those souls with nothing but a wave... of... my... hand..."

Edgy. 

[Flash of light]



: "Goodbye, Jack."

[Flash of light]

: "NOOOOOOOOO!!"

[The screen turns completely white]



... Huh? Where are we now? Did we get teleported back home?



"So it was all a dream... Oh, thank God. So much lunacy and terror... Anyway, let's go down to get some breakfast."

Wait, so the entire game was just a dream? The zombie apocalypse was just some night terror? On one hand, I'm mad but on the other I'm relieved.

But hold on a second though. If you check the Hoenn map on the wall there, you'll find out that we're in... Sootopolis? 



(apparently the creator is from europe, given how he throws mum and pence around as terms)



"I couldn't be happier. Really, I couldn't. There can be no better husband for May than Landon."

Mum: "It's turning out to be the biggest news story of the week... Your brother and May getting married, that is. You'd better go and get ready for the wedding."

Just a reminder to everybody, Jack is supposed to be the older sibling and is only sixteen. The only way this would make sense in a way that isn't horribly unsettling is if Landon and May were like 25+.

[Jack turns to his mother, who morphs into Gleis]



[Replay "The Guardian"]

: "What is it, dear?"

: "Oh my god... GLEIS?!"

: "It's just me, dear. Just your mother."





[Jack hops off the table next to him and dashes out the door]



With a bombshell like that, you know we're in for a good time. Don't bother going to the other houses - they're all just painted walls and there's no exit from town.



: "I need help, Darren, there's a Taoist in my -"



[The kid morphs into Gleis]



: "What do you mean, Jack?

[Flash of light]

:"Wh-what?!"

 (): ("Not so fast!")

[The screen goes completely white again]

 (): "G-gah... Accursed Gardevoir! A bit more and he would have been perfect for molding... Cross my path again and I'll rip you apart myself!"

(just a bit of extra dialogue i decided to put in)



[Theme I would use for the Necropolis as the Mt. Chimney theme isn't going to cut it: The Dominion of Hate]

: "... Wh-what happened?'

: ("Gleis was trying to destroy your mind with his influence, Jack. If I hadn't stepped in, he would have succeeded. Are you okay?")

: "I hope I am. Thank you though, Bellamine. You really saved me back there."

: ("It was the least I could do for you.")



"Ah, this is confusing. Better to concentrate on what's happening. Where did Gleis take me?"

[Jack looks around]

: "Looks like a subterranean prison of some sort. I need to find my way out of here."

Oh man, what do I say about this entire scene? Not only was it wonderfully creepy and a bit of a mindscrew, it showed off how competent Gleis really is. He's one of my favorite characters in the game aside from Jack, to be honest.



"Without time to think about how he did that, it's time to fight!"



Alright, then. If he's the guy guarding Jack's cell, what kind of Pokemon does he have to stop us? The last Gaoler we met had a Corsola.








Actually, he's not that bad. See, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose this fight as you're still knocked out at the end of it. However, you could always go the "badass" route and beat him up.

Which is what I do.



Jeanne took out a level 100 Grim Reaper Scyther like it's no big thing despite being half of his level. This is why I love this woman.



Why do I do this to myself? See, Gorelax is every bit as bulky as you would expect such a monstrosity to be at level 100. On top of being nightmarishly strong and durable, the Gaoler guy will drop Full Restores on him to completely heal him back to green and undo whatever pitiful damage you might have had.

If you just want to skip this, then by all means save yourself the frustration and let him beat you up. But since I'm determined to take it out, I have to sit through the torture.



OH MY GOD THIS WAS SUCH A DUMB IDEA

To you guys it may seem like like just another screenshot, but this took about twenty minutes in-game of constant healing and reviving. And even then, at least four members of the active Crew were knocked out for this result. It was horrible.

But... I TOOK OUT A GODDAMN LEVEL 100 GORELAX! THROW OUT THE CONFETTI AND THE RED CARPET!



He tried to clap for Jack so hard that his hands fell off.



"The Battle Zombie kicks you violently in the face, and you pass out..."

This is your reward for winning, by the way. It raises multiple questions (why couldn't the zombies attack Jack directly earlier, etc.), but hey at least Cutlerine actually made something different for the astronomical impossibility when you do beat this guy.



What will Jack's fate be? What are Gleis and pals up to? See you next time on Pokemon Snakewood for the answer.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sidequest List:

• Go to the abandoned ship and get the mystery caller's item
  
• Defeat all five Inquisition Ninja (2 down)
  
• Collect all fifty Broken Hearts (8 out of 50)
  
• Get Strength to move the boulders
  

Team setup:

 (Bellamine, , Level 60, ) - "Fend off the zombies!"
(Ambes, , Level 58, ) - "Is Jack alright?!"
 (Jeanne, , Level 58, ) - [Is shooting off a Flamethrower at zombies coming her way]
 (Valor, , Level 58, has Plus Band, /) - [Decapitates some of the zombies with his new sword]
 (Umbra, , Level 57, ) - "Urgh... Why now of all times? Wait, is that Doctor-"
(Ballin, , level 58, /) - [Floods the zombies away with Surf]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Reggie, , Level 33, has Leftovers, /) - "Oh man, Jack and the Crew are in trouble!"
(Zagon, , Level 33, ) - [is very glad that she didn't get chosen to go into the sewers]
(Alice, , level 12, ) - "Is Jack alright, nya?!"
 (Ace, , Level 40, has Anadrin Talon, /) - "If only I was there to save them...!"
(Tohru, , Level 46, /) - "Wait, who's that?"
(Pumbloom, , level 14, ) - "O-oh no, Jack got knocked out!"
(Wagner, , Level 44, /) - "Gleis took Jack to the Necropolis?! They won't survive in that condition!"
 (Chloris, , level 43, /) - "Whoa! Be careful, guys!"
 (Beatrice, , Level 26, /) -  "Oh goodness!"
 (Shine, , level 12, ) - "Ambes, you can do it! Help them save Jack!"
 (Spark, , level 12, ) - "Oh man, things got really messed up in the span of a few minutes."
(Alpha, level 50, /) - "... I LIKE THE CUT OF THIS GLEIS'S JIB."
 (Letro, level 31, /) -  "OF COURSE YOU DO."
 (Juno, , Level 38, ) - "Whoa, they need some help! Come on, everybody!"
(Menti, , level 37, /) - "... Jack's in trouble. I need to stop the necromancer at any cost! But... what good am I in this form?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last time on Snakewood, we got knocked out by a Battle Zombie and were suddenly rescued back to Pacifidlog Town.

What does the game have in store for us now?



: "Uhh... what happened?'

Dr. Blackthorn: "From what I can surmise, Gleis must have put you into a trance and transported you to Senex's lair. As soon as I had heard what happened, I rushed to get you back here."

: "Oh yeah, I was beaten up by a Battle Zombie..."

Dr. Blackthorn: "Yes. Now, I realize you must have believed yourself strong enough to brave Senex's fortress. This is is simply not the case, as you can see from how easily Gleis subdued you. Your Pokemon are powerful, but you yourself are still vulnerable."

 (whispers): ("Damn straight we're powerful!")

Wow, the game actually acknowledged that Jack is still just a regular human being (who is apparently psychic, given how he can freely talk to the Crew). He's a good team leader, but can't do anything without The Crew at his side.

: "That's true... What am I to do then, Doc?"

Dr. Blackthorn: "You must learn how to defend yourself without Pokemon - and to do that, you must learn from a master. That is why we are here. The Gym Leader for this town, Esau, is such a master. His powers makes the Sages in the mountains seem like mere children."



^ My exact thoughts

Dr. Blackthorn: "Yes. Now, Jack, go forth and seek out Esau. He will teach you everything you need to know. I must leave now, for Senex is launching an attack on Fort Draco, and my help is needed, but do not give up!"

At the very least he's not making us do it.

[The Professor flies away on an unknown Pokemon]



Alright, then. We have a ton of things to do now that this has opened up, but let's just talk around for a bit.



"This town is so drenched with salt water that no zombies can even come close. We're totally safe!"

You know, except for the two swimming zombies that managed to guard the Lilycove Sewers that one time. If they get here, nobody would be safe then.  



"Grr... No one believes me.. I saw the old man fly overhead, trailing shadows in his wake..."

[Imagines Senex flying through the air, Superman style, with a bored look on his face]

The other two people in the house talk about Senex too, which will be relevant in a bit considering their text used to be about Rayquaza.



"Want to hear about his amazing life story?"

: "... Sure."



"Listen up: A few years ago, Birch went on three hazardous expeditions to uncharted territory - the Ivy Ruins, the Muddy Tomb, and the Heated Cave. There, he found three never-before-described Pokemon, and brought them safely back to Pallet! Of course, he gave two of them to deserving young trainers, but that last one is part of his most famous research project."

Basically, Birch went to the caves where the Regis used to be and found the starters. I'd say something more about this, but to be totally honest I'm not sure if the way to activate the Regi Sidequest is the same as it is in the normal game.



There was also this dude who gave us Return because Jack and the Crew love each other.



She's giving us a Chikuwa because she wants to give some treats to Esau. Awwww.





... Okay, crazy lady you do your thing.



"I was hoping to set up a branch of my company in this region, but it doesn't seem like a viable proposition right now. These were the product I'd be selling, but never mind. You may take them."

But good sir, I don't require a watc--



Oh, he gave us rollerblades...





"Those Air Treks will allow you perform tricks, such as spinning or crossing over rails."

Translation: "The Air Treks is Snakewood's answer to the Acro Bike."

Let's try 'em out. 



: "AWWW YEAH, I NEVER GOT TO DO THIS AS A KID!"

: "Jack, put on a helmet!!"

[Jack skates up and down the path]

Jack is now the raddest kid on the block. Now watch his dumb ass fall face-first into a garbage can.



Seriously though, they're just white shoes that make you run on command. But damn it if it's not charming.



Okay, enough messing around. It's time to talk to Esau and get the training montage over with.



In-Universe explanation: "Reggie trained a lot offscreen!"

Out of Universe explanation: "An dump truck's worth of rare candies were shoved down his throat"

Yes, the OG Parasect returns for this gym and we're going to need him.



This gym is full of monks. It's pretty obvious that these guys are few grades above the monks from the Monastery.



"Yo! This here's Esau's Gym! He and his disciples are masters of Spiral Energy, The Force, and every mystic power in existence! You're gonna need Mindforce to beat him!"

So they know the Force from Star Wars, the Spiral Energy from Gurren Lagann and possibly even more than that? Well shit, we're in for some trouble today.



You can't really challenge Esau without fighting all of these dudes, but I couldn't leave this guy out regardless considering he has a new Pokemon.



... Who has Tohru's name apparently. This is gonna be a bit confusing, isn't it?



Sage Tohru has a Claydol here that's a bit more dangerous than we're used to, thanks to knowing Explosion and being level 70. What the hell is with the difficulty now? Please, someone explain.



Guess what though?



It's very easy to trick his A.I. Thanks for the EXP, chumbo. 



What the hell is a Vig--



That's... a bit unsettling.

Vigourlan here is the evolution of Vigoroth if evolved with "high personality value", even though I don't see Vigoroth evolving into this thing at all. It's AB HORSE MAN to me.

It is a / type that, by virtue of its type, is incredibly difficult to kill with my team. I hate this guy for the same reason as Ramshaker, but Vigourlan is faster and hits a bit harder so he's definitely worse right now.

Being Level 70(!!) does not help in the slightest.



I finally manage to take Vigourlan out with Reggie. Best part about this? Esau's Vigourlan is actually two levels lower than this guy's, which means that he's more annoying to deal with than the gym leader's. That's pretty sad.



Medicham isn't really that bad, but he can pack a wallop if you let him get an attack off. So uh... poison him to make him stop.

(out of context that sounds horrible)



"What matters is your fighting spirit!"

... bullshit, grandpa!

Seriously though, that's complete balderdash. Type match-ups are practically everything in Pokemon aside from movesets. You don't see someone like Jeanne fighting / guys, now do you?

... Oh wait, she has. 



He has a Magneton that should have become a Magnezone by now. Just saying, you may as well go all out.



Despite Exploud being really intimidating, Valor busts his face with only two punches.



You'd think that with a 4x Weakness and having access to Poison Powder that this would end pretty quickly? Well, you'd be wrong, given how Leech Life can only do less than a quarter of his life. Everybody also spams Full Restores like no tomorrow when their Pokemon is in the red at this point of the game, so there's that too.



Reggie still tells him to talk to the claw, however. 



Pretty good, wouldn't you say?



no way seriously



Poor Weavile never gets a break.



Oh hey, something actually different. 



... Not that it matters, since Ambes charcoals Dodrio with only one Thunderbolt thanks to Electric Honey. The paralyze was from him nudging Ambes.



Bellamine trivializes a Beedrill and that's all that needs to be said about that.



"The point of our existence is to provide entertainment to deities known as Gamers."

And there goes the last defense of the fourth wall, ladies and gentlemen. I hope it doesn't get so bad that I start talking to Jack directly.





It may just be a game, but there's some things it can't really get away with.



Man, it's a good thing that this isn't the Kecleon from the Mystery Dungeon games - otherwise, I'd be royally boned.



That said, though, Kecleon's Color Change makes it the most miserable Pokemon to ever live.



Jeanne and Bellamine had to work together to stop this Whiscash, given how I'm still afraid of / types.



Since Reggie isn't a powerhouse like the rest of the team, he does what he always does best.



That is, lacing the enemy with poison and shanking them with his claws.



"What you percieve as reality and what IS reality are two entirely different things."

Huh. That's actually kind of important considering some people like to reject reality and substitute their own. 

Like how I'm doing with this game and its awful plot.

Future Dan: No you're not, though. In hindsight, Snakewood's plot is pretty stupid but it's also pretty fun. 

The next game got so bad that you actually did have to substitute the plot with your own writing... so you know, don't complain, Past Dan.



The Monks are a cool story element that don't belong in Snakewood, to be completely honest. They contrast so much with the stupid crossover stuff that it's like... what's the point?

Is there even one?



Masquerain, despite evolving from a / Pokemon, is /. I almost forgot this and took Jeanne out. Bad idea in hindsight.



[Ambes sighs]

: ("None of these Swellows are as cool as Ace...")



Oh god, I didn't have a plan to fight a Hyperegg. Jeanne, do what you do best!



Oh damn, that actually worked out really well. See, Hypereggs have an insane amount of HP - 255 Base HP and 100 Defense/Special Defense. They are practically living blockades and exist to stall your progress as much as possible.

Jeanne and Bellamine had to bring out their best to get rid of just one, which should tell you a lot of their survivability. To think, I traded Hyperegg out for Celebi... even if Celebi is a lot better looking.

Future Dan: You haven't used her... like at all. Way to go, dude.



"Depending on your Zodiac year, fate may have different things in store."

So is Cutlerine actually well-versed in this stuff or not? It's so inconsistent.



... A... mirror. Apparently Esau is in this mirror, so let's talk to it.



Alright, we actually get a choice. If you say Candyman, nothing happens.

Let's try the vandalism answer instead.



"You try to break the mirror, but your fist curls back around on itself as you swing it and you wind up punching yourself in the face, knocking out a few teeth."

[flinch] Oh god, poor Jack.

: "Damn it! That really st-- hey wait a sec."



: "OH GOD ARE THESE MINE?!"



[laughs into infinity]

The aptly named "Some Teeth" are the King's Rock item in disguise. You can keep doing this until you have an infinite amount of "Some Teeth", which is just gross. 



Let's act like that never happened and go with the right answer.



"Aha! Red Stew! Give me that, I'm famished!"

: "Sell me your birthright first!"

: "Don't think that one hasn't been tried on me before, kid! I'm Esau, and I'm a skilled hunter! There's no way you'll get the better of me, so hand over that stew!"

Yes, this is what you needed the Red Stew for. In case you forgot, the Red Stew was a buyable item from the Chef in Lilycove - it's pretty easy to get, all things considered.

By the way, I'm going to refrain from posting what Esau is a reference to due to it being revealed in the next few chapters.



[Theme I would use for Esau: Gem Guardian]

Apparently they weren't joking when they said he's powerful. The mirror he appears from is really good looking for the sprite quality of this hack.



That said though, if a level 68 Vigourlan is the weakest thing he'll throw at you, you know you're going to have a bad time.

(I have a seething hatred for / Pokemon, can you tell? )



Jeanne works well with anybody, but Bellamine is her best choice. (If you know what I mean σ‿‿σ)



Basculin is... a thing? That's something that really boggles me - Zoroark is called Gigawolf yet all of the other Gen 5 Pokemon (Zebstrika, Bouffalant, Excadrill, etc.) are correctly named. So... you got me?



Ambes just barely managed to tank that Earthquake. Damn it Ambes, you're too fragile to fight against those kinds of guys!

The Basculin, on the other hand, only needed one Thunderbolt to get rid of him. Good thing too, because I'm not sure how I would have dealt with that otherwise.



Almost immediately after the Basculin, Esau throws out a Gyarados in order to scare me. Didn't work, as you can tell.



[high-pitched scream]

NOT MORE KENCHUKUO



JEANNE, DO!!




Oh my god Ambes, kick this wannabe Hawlucha's ass





YEAAAAAAAAAAAH



My blood pressure is way too high for this. 

Sorry about that. I just have nightmares about those things after what happened back at the Elite Four.



Esau's final Pokemon is a Spiritomb? Neato, but not very hard to kill.



Jeanne, you are still the best of the best.

: ("Naturally.")



Not so hot now, are you? 

[Is shot with a 50-cal rifle]



Whoa, we actually got a badge out of this. Pretty nice, even though we've already defeated the Elite Four.



[Jack hands over the Red Stew]



:"Um, I know this guy called Dr. Blackthorn, and he said you'd train me to fight the evil necromancer that's threatening Hoenn so I can find my brother?"

: "Yes! That I can do. Meet me at Sundance Rock at midnight."

: "Wait, where's Sunda--"

[Esau vanishes from the mirror]



()

[The mirror turns completely white]

: "What's the deal?"



[Jack gets closer to the mirror, only to be blinded by a bright flash of light]

[To Another Dimension]

: "G-gah!"

[The light clears, with no visible difference]

: "What just happened? Guys, do you feel any different?"

: ("I... don't know, Jack! What was that light about?")

: ("Wait... I'm getting in contact with the team in the boxes. Apparently...")

: ("Their levels were dramatically increased! Some of them have evolved, even! What kind of miracle is this?")

: ("Apparently that light was the cause. I swear I could have seen something inside of it...")

: ("No way!")

: ("What kind of force could power up multiple Pokemon at once?! I'm... not complaining though, because that sounds like it could help us out a lot.")

: ("I'd rather we not stand next to this freaky mirror and just go already.")

This is not an event in the game, of course, this is just something I put in to justify the levels for the rest of the story. 

Everybody in the box is now super charged mostly because I can't raise so many Pokemon up for end-game legitimately.

[The mirror glistens, revealing the image of a strange deer-like Pokemon as Jack and the crew walk away]

: ("I hope they use my gift well. I can only give them so much strength from here.")

Future Dan: Now complete with a cameo of a character we won't properly meet until MUCH later on.



: [Gasps in awe of her new form]

Of all the Pokemon that got evolutions, Zagon's is the most noticable.

See, Dragoone is a / type that has a staggering 175 Special Defense! They learn a few moves on level-up such as Outrage, Dig, Fire Pump and so on, but they can't be taught any TMs. Dragoone can only learn HMs as they are designed to be HM slave - the Pokemon.

Despite this, Dragoone is very powerful if utilized correctly. Too bad Ballin' took her spot, I guess.



Alice, are you ready? 

: ("W-wow! Yes, of course, nya!") [sniff]



This scene is almost note for note Ambes's evolution only with a pink kitty instead of an electric mouse.



: ("Thank you, Jack! I'm glad you never forgot about me, nya.")

: "Nobody gets left behind, you know?"



Here's the active team. In hindsight, we're horribly underleveled and this is a terrible idea. Despite this though, watch me beat this game anyway.



I can't believe I forgot to do this back when I was first here.



You'd think we'd see a little action given how Dr. Blackthorn had to leave us alone to help around here, but there's nothing at all. That's a bit lame.

Cool-looking tower, though. However, if you read the sign, it just says it's the Mossdeep Gym.

... Maybe it's a leftover sign that they use to block the path? I don't know.



It is pretty much the Shakyamuni Tower from the Monastery only much shorter. It even has the same music!

Stepping on that tile won't do anything, so we'll just leave it alone.



"It flew away a while ago because of the encroaching evil."

Really? Because I've seen what that Pokemon is and it doesn't have wings.



... Dragon disgu-- is this that actor guy from the Film University? Did he like the dragon costume so much that he wanted to actually be with them?



Oh snap, it's one of the Five Ninja instead. Not that it really matters, considering that I'm going to drop that notch off of the quest list after this update. There's not really a good reward for doing it anyway.



Since you were supposed to come here earlier, this was intended to be threatening. Or maybe it wasn't. I don't know when it comes to Bellamine.



Riiiiight, that you aren't. You totally aren't just saying that because I beat your ass into next year.



You can find wild Psypigs and Vulpix here for... some reason. I'm just saying, if you've gotten this far and you don't have a good team already then you might be kinda screwed.



The tower only has three floors, and the X-tiles don't do anything. So I don't know why they're there aside to mark "go here, dum-dum".



Next time on Pokemon Snakewood we'll get into some trouble.



-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sidequest List:

• Go to the abandoned ship and get the mystery caller's item
  
• Collect all fifty Broken Hearts (8 out of 50)
  
• Get Strength to move the boulders
  

Team setup:

(Bellamine, , Level 60, ) - "A man inside of a mirror and everything else that's happened... I know I shouldn't be bothered, but it's still so bizarre..."
(Ambes, , Level 60, ) - "Okay, I'm getting kind of tired of all the waiting we have to do. Why can't these people just help Jack without doing something crazy?"
 (Jeanne, , Level 60, ) - "Alas, Ambes, if it were only that easy..."
 (Valor, , Level 62, has Plus Band, /) - "Man, this is bullshit. Why don't those guys back at the Pokemon League do this instead of us? They're better suited for the job than we'll ever be.
 (Ace, , Level 58, has Anadrin Talon, /) - "Well, we beat them, so... I guess we're better? I don't know?"
(Ballin, , level 62, /) - "I know, right? We just can't catch a break, can we?"

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Back-up Team:

(Reggie, , Level 61, has Leftovers, /) - "'Eyyyyyy, everybody looks great."
(Zagon, , Level 63, /) - "Whoa... I'm a dragon now! I have no idea how this is physically possible, but it's still so cool!"
 (Alice, , level 62, ) - "Nyahahaha! I just knew he'd come back for me!"
 (Umbra, , Level 62, ) - "I'm impressed. We seem to have grown a bit stronger from that light... but I'm afraid it still won't be enough for the threat ahead."
(Tohru, , Level 60, /) - "My muscles seem to be a bit more toned than before... Interesting."
(Pumbloom, , level 56, ) - "WOOOOW! I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVOLVED!"
(Wagner, , Level 57, /) - "What is this strength filling my wings? In fact, that light felt incredibly familiar... The Pokemon of Life? No, not possible!"
 (Chloris, , level 61, /) - "... Whoagh... Is anybody else feeling a bit woozy from that?"
 (Beatrice, , Level 50, /) -  "Not at all, my dear. In fact, I feel better than ever! I feel like blooming!"
 (Shine, , level 33, ) - "WHOA! Spark, did you feel that?"
 (Spark, , level 32, ) - "Yeah, sis! It was pretty wicked."
(Alpha, level 55, /) - "IMPRESSIVE FORM CHANGE. I BET YOU THINK YOU'RE A HOT SHOT NOW, DO YOU?"
(Letro, level 50, /) -  "OH PLEASE. COMING FROM YOU, THAT'S A LAUGH."
 (Juno, , Level 60, /) - "A-A-AAAAAAH! What just happened?! Why am I suddenly a Banette now?!"
(Menti, , level 57, /) - "What's this? I don't feel as bad as before... but that's not saying a lot considering - oh jeez, my ear just fell off."
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